Explore Holy Taco

How to Deal with Not Being Able to Grow a Moustache

So, you want to be a man, but genetics is failing you.  Your attempts to grow a proud, Chuck Norris-esque soup strainer have degraded into what could best be described as the post-apocalyptic remains of Donald Trump’s hairpiece strapped to a sweaty, quivering upper lip.  Don’t fret, girl ‘stache, there’s still hope for you!  Or at least a way to ameliorate the shame you feel when confronted with a room full of mustachioed gentlemen .  Just because you can’t grow a moustache doesn’t mean you have to take it lying down – use some of these tools to go beyond and be a better man.  Or, in some places, woman.

Fake It

fake moustache

The easiest way to overcome a moustache handicap is to be duplicitous.  Yes, your underhanded, baser instincts will come quite in handy as you try to seduce ladies in the 70’s.  Any costume shop or inebriated hobo will have a moustache on hand that you can easily make your own for only a few dollars.  Then some glue, gum or honey will stick that thing to your face in a convincing manner.  Soon, people will see you coming and remark things like “Why, is that the Governor?” or “Goodness me, look at that splendid moustache, that man must have known more vaginas than Wilt Chamberlain” and they’ll be right, won’t they?  No, they won’t, you’ll still be a vagina-less non-governor, but not for long!  Ha ha, you scamp!


Draw Attention Elsewhere

If your fake moustache has comically fallen askew as all fake moustaches in sitcoms do, perhaps you may want to forgo the embarrassment of explaining your predicament by not actually engaging in moustachery at all.  But won’t that leave in the same pickle you’re currently in?  Not necessarily!  Your lack of manly ‘stache will only be noticed if there’s nothing else for people to not notice.  So give them something else to notice.  Like this!


facial implants

 Are you looking at that man’s lack of moustache?  No, you’re looking at the three ring circus he calls a face.  If your face had this much shit going on, you probably wouldn’t even have to work at work, you’d just spend all day with people looking at your face trying to keep up with it while wondering why their own crappy face has nothing doing but a moustache.


Get Artistic

This is like merging our first two suggestions into one equally awesome suggestion.  A fake moustache will eventually rot off your face no matter how much glue you use, and putting all that crap in your face guarantees one day you’re going to wake up being smothered by your own pillow and not being able to stop it as it’ll be locked to your face with the various nuts and bolts you feel express the true, inner you.  So why not take the best of both worlds and listen to Hannah Montana fancy up a would-be moustache for yourself, like these?



Whatever you do, do not do this.  This was funny exactly one time.


 Make it Cultural

Many people around the world hate their faces.  Or, perversely, love them so much they need to really mess them up in clever ways so everyone points and stares; we assume that’s what Courtney Stodden is up to.  We’re not anthropologists or sociologists or even philanthropists so none of it makes sense to us, but the world is a mixed bag of goodies and somewhere out there, right now, is a real live person who is legitimately looking forward to the next episode of Jersey Shore; people are wacky.

If you’re feeling a bit of ‘stache envy, then overcompensate with a cultural distraction. That way it’s not obvious like the moustache tattoo and will make people think you have a tiny, tiny penis that you might find a scale model of in a box of Cracker Jacks.  Instead, they’ll think you’re from a fairly small South American tribe, or at least a crazy person who knows about a fairly small South American tribe and in doing so they will not think you have no moustache and therefore no testosterone and therefore no chance of ever mating successfully.  Or, in other words, do this;


 When you look at this Apatani lady the odds are you’re not thinking “Lady, you’re no Magnum PI,” at least not right off the bat.  Probably first you’re thinking “Oh shit!” and yes, you’re right – oh shit.  Near as we can tell, those things are actually used to make the ladies look less appealing to other tribes so they don’t come and kidnap the women.  That’s not even a joke, that’s the real reason.  Nothing mentioned moustaches anywhere in that sentence, so, you know, consider that.  If that’s not you’re cup of tea, try this;


 No one ever meets this gentleman and questions his lack of moustache at first glance, because, as you may have noticed, he has a giant plate in his face.  Something to think about.


 The Kayan people do this neck lengthening thing to mess with your head.  Also someone got the impression a long neck is sexy somewhere along the lines, then shit got out of hand and this whole giraffian thing started happening but, ya know, it’s their bag so if you’re looking to pick a really captivating visual distraction, you can’t go wrong with the neck rings.  Again, your lack of moustache will quickly give way to people’s desire to take the rings off you and see if your head bobs around like a jack-in-the-box.

With a few simple adjustments to your head, you’ll be living a carefree, moustache-free life in no time and no one will say boo about it, so you’ll be safe to go about your business at the haberdashery or whatever it is you and your smooth upper lip do all day.  Or, failing that, you can just help out some other ‘staches during their Movember campaign.  It’s for a good cause and all.

0 Responses to "How to Deal with Not Being Able to Grow a Moustache"