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How to Fight a Holy Man in 3 Easy Steps

So, you’ve decided to take a harbinger of a Lord to task (which Lord?  Doesn’t matter), good for you.  For far too long the envoys of the various holy orders around the world have been getting pretty uppity, haven’t they?  With their circumcisions and catechisms and wailing walls and robes and blessings and c’mon already.  Well it’s time to put them in their place.  FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

Catholic Priest

Historically you didn’t want to mess with the Catholic Church.  Were they fierce warriors?  Not remotely, but they did have armies on their side and Crusaders and knights and Kings and, once you were suitably restrained, they had the power to torture the evil out of you.

These days the best a Catholic priest can muster against an adult is maybe blinding you with wine then setting you on fire with a candle, but probably they’ll screw that up.  Now’s your chance!

  1. Distraction.  Any good fight relies on misdirection to gain an advantage.  That’s why a boxer is going to toss a few lefts then a right cross, because you’re not going to see that coming. For your purposes, hurl an altar boy at the priest.
  2. Capitalize.  There’s a young boy coming at me!  It’s the most terrible thing a Catholic priest could ever dare dream of.  Go on, write the joke in your head… Anyway, when he’s dealing with th moppet, you kick his jewels.
  3. Humiliate. A priest’s nuts are probably withered stones but likely that means there’s concentrated pain to be engendered.  Now that he’s doubled over in pain you can choose to either sweep the legs and bash his head in with a heavy crucifix, or grab a leather-bound Bible and destroy the face like it’s an uppercut from Jesus.

Evangelist

Imagine a Catholic priest high on cocaine and steeped in so much two-faced bullshit that even Batman would need a break from trying to figure him out.  That’s your average evangelist!  He loves the Lord, especially when you pay him to.  Am I being unfair?  No, actually.  Not at all.  They make a career out of fraudulently preying on your faith and that deserves an ass kicking.

  1. Deceit.  Call it fighting fire with fire.  The evangelist wants to defraud you of your social security.  Maybe you should feign a bum leg and hobble to the front of the auditorium as he prepares to place his healing hands on you and heal you with the power of God Almighty.
  2. Surprise.  He thinks you’re a cripple and you have him before the crowd.  Throw down the crutches before he’s close enough to claim divine power healed you and consider a round house to the jaw.  Make sure to dislocate it.  A second kick will be in order.
  3. Humiliate.  If you were an honest man you’d heal yourself, preacher.  What’s that?  No luck? Explain at this point that God appointed you to smite him, and maybe drop an elbow on his neck.

Imam

Oh man, are we going there?  We are.  In modern, Western culture, Islam is a sensitive subject mostly for reasons of ignorance.  Here’s a tip – all things being equal, there are an even number of awesome people and dickhead people across every race and religion.  So you’re going to meet awesome Jews and Catholics and Muslims and you’ll meet really shitty ones.  Now go find a shitty Imam, because it’s time to kick his ass.

  1. Deceit.  This one is almost too easy because he’ll literally have his head down.  You just need to get in close during prayer time when everyone is kneeling and facing Mecca.  Then, instead of kneeling and facing Mecca, you drop a knee on ol’ Mr. Imam.
  2. Wit.  You’ll never have a better opportunity to say “It’s time for an Imammoth ass kicking!”  See what happened there?  Wordplay.  Now drop kick him.
  3. Humiliate.  This may seem inappropriate but chase him with a ham sandwich.  Just hunt him down.  Make him run in terror.

Rabbi

Beards and trendy black clothing, rabbis seem like the hip, brooding holy men you want to be a part of to piss off your parents.  Except for that whole deal with pork.  But are all rabbis kindly and full of good advice delivered with a curiously comforting accent?  Of course not.  Did you see the evil Rabbi in the Foreskin man comic book?  Probably not, but go look.  And then prepare to fight!

  1. Diversion.  Send in a group of uncircumcised kids with pigs.  Like a leprechaun confronted with unshined shoes and the pathological need to shine then, a rabbi must deal with those kids and pigs. While he’s crouched over, lower a bust of Barbara Streisand into his spine.  Splat!
  2. Destruction.  He’s down and he’s old, tap dance on his carcass!
  3. Showboat.  Continue dancing but just for the joy of it, and to ensure he knows his place.

Buddhist Monk

You’re in dangerous territory here, friend.  A catholic priest has the fighting prowess of pudding, but a Buddhist could literally pull your head off and shove it up your ass.  This poses a problem.  Plus they’re kind of passive unless provoked, so odds are he’s not even an asshole.  Why are you fighting this guy?  Just forget it.

Tom Cruise

He’s the Jesus of Scientology and hates it when you’re glib.  He also has an army of lawyers and maybe alien slaves.  I dunno about that.

  1. Subterfuge.  Pretend to be an asshole Scientologist, but also make like you’re going to donate a few million to the Church because, surely by some kind of coincidence, the richer and more famous you are the more important you are.  Once you’re introduced to Tom Cruise, flip his slight and infantile frame about and give him a pile driver on the stone floor.
  2. Swiftness.  Scientologists are like bees.  Piss one off and they swarm, so you have to be fast.  Did you bring a broom stick?  Beat him quickly with the broom stick.
  3. Humiliate.  Now’s the time, just as the others converge, when you put Vanilla Sky on the big screen and make them all acknowledge their failed god.

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