Sometimes the simple things in life are what annoy us the most, like when the internet goes out. Don’t you hate that? You’d think that in this technologically advanced world we live in today we’d have figured out how to provide constant, uninterrupted internet service at all times. We can’t.
That’s where we come in. We want to help you put an end to your internet connection problems. To do so, we wrote you a handy step-by-step guide to aid you. Reading carefully and following every step as written will ensure that you connection problems will disappear and you’ll be right back on the web of information.
1) Do all of the steps you’ve committed to memory from all of the 1,000 times your internet has gone out in the past few months.
2) When none of them seem to do a damn thing, call your ISP’s tech support hotline
3) Grab a stiff drink – this is going to suck.
4) Wait for someone to take your call.
5) Wait for someone to take your call.
6) Wait for someone to take your call.
7) Wait for someone to take your call.
8) Wait for someone to take your call.
9) Wait for someone to take your call.
10) Wait for someone to take your call.
11) Someone takes your call. His name is David. He sounds like his name is really David and not Rasheed.
12) Tell David your problem.
13) Tell David to “Die like a pig in hell” after he transfers you to another department, because David doesn’t handle outages.
14) Get another very stiff drink
15) Wait for someone to take your call.
16) Wait for someone to take your call.
17) Get another very stiff drink.
18) Briefly think about masturbating while on hold, adding an extra hint of thrill to the regular old boring masturbation routine.
19) Wait for someone to take your call.
20) Masturbate while on hold
21) Someone named Allison takes your call, think about not masturbating, continue masturbating
22) Do everything Allison suggests.
23) “I’m sorry, sir. There doesn’t seem to be anything else we can do on our end.” Imagine Allison’s head on a stick. Stop masturbating, because that would make you a weird-o. You’re not a weird-o, are you?
24) Take matters in to your own hands.
25) Drive to local office of your ISP.
26) Don’t walk in through the front door, they have cameras there. Go to the back. There you will find a dumpster with a closed lid. Hop on top of the dumpster and climb on to the roof.
27) Pry off the screws on the air vents and climb in.
28) Crawl through the air vents until you are over the room where they keep all the internet.
29) Take this time to have 4 or 5 more very stiff drinks.
30) Scream, drop down in to room full of internet.
31) There will be screams, so silence the screaming workers with karate chops, backflips and Shurikens.
32) Stuff as much internet as you can in to your pants.
33) The air vent you just came in through is too high. Shit! What to do?
34) Damn it to hell! The front door is the only way out.
35) Make a break for it.
36) Leap over desks, push carts of office supplies behind you to trip the guards, pull a raw steak out of your shirt pocket to distract the Dobermans that guard the room full of internet.
37) Exit the front door…COPPERS! They’re everywhere! Attack choppers, SWAT teams, a bike cop with an imprint of his testies embossed on to the crotch of his tiny shorts! They’re here to stop you!
38) “Sorry, fellas. It’s time for me to…LOG OUT!” is what you should say.
39) After that, all the cops should be all like, “Aww, awesome! He’s one of those criminals that says badass puns and shit!”
40) Run directly at them, jump on to the hood of a police car, leap in to the air, and grab the under-things of the helicopter. You know the ones. The things that the thing lands on. It’s the only part of the helicopter that people in movies grab on to other than the steering stick thing.
41) Climb in to the pilot’s seat, grab his flight suit, look him in the eyes and say, “You’re about to establish connection…WITH DEATH!” After the pilot says, “Nice pun, bro!” don’t throw him out and down on to the street. No; throw out and up in to the spinning blades.
42) Yeah, you just horrifically murdered a man with a wife and 3 children because you want your internet back once and for all. I guess you just showed AT&T a thing or two about quality control, huh? The lesson here being, if you don’t make the internet work on a regular basis, a dude will get throw in to helicopter blades. They teach you this shit in elementary school, but some companies just need to be reminded through acts of violence that were preceded by awesome puns.
43) Pilot the helicopter to your home.
44) OH NO! There’s a chopper on your tail! What are you going to do?! Kill them, of course.
45) “But how?!” you ask.
46) “With karate chops!” I say.
47) “Bu – but I’m in a helicopter!” you respond.
48) “Yeah,” I say, “but who says helicopters can’t perform karate chops like people can?”
49) A smile of realization slowly stretches across your face. Now you understand…even though you shouldn’t, because that shit makes no sense. But you believe it does, and that’s what matters here. You believe, dude. You believe.
50) Perform karate chops with helicopter.
51) Watch as the evil helicopters explode violently. To this you say “Your spam filters aren’t working very well, and that’s why you keep getting Emails about extending your explosion size by 5 inches!” Yeah, it’s a long and convoluted one, and it probably doesn’t even qualify as a pun, but no matter; they’re dead now. They won’t get it anyway.
52) Fly home
53) Remove internet from your pocket. Smear it on your computer, because that’s how internet works, you idiot. God! So stupid!
54) You did it! You got your internet back! And only a handful of people were killed in the process!
55) Return to doing the thing that required you to cause millions of dollars in damage and forever destroy a number of families: having very stiff drinks while masturbating.