How to Get a Face Transplant

So you want to get a new face, good for you.  People are probably tired of your old one anyway, unless you’re a super hot chick who loves Holy Taco but hates itchy, confining clothing.  Stop by sometime and we’ll boil you a hot dog!  For the rest of us, faces are the most tired, crappy outfit we can never seem to get rid of.  Until now!

Perhaps you just read about Charla Nash, the woman who lost her face in a chimp attack and just had it replaced with a brand new, chimp-free face.  Or maybe you accidentally watched Face/Off unaware that it was a Nicolas Cage/John Travolta joint.  Either one could get you interested in the prospect of facial swapping.  But how does one go about such things?  Surely there’s a less stressful way than letting a monkey eat your face off or, God forbid, spending time with Nic Cage.  And then where do you get a new face?  And who attaches it for you anyway?  And is this going to be expensive or what?  Let’s look!

Step 1:  Lose that Face!

As you may be aware, your face is really on there.  It goes all the way around the back and everything with very few visible seams.  It’s like a Mobius strip of eye-having craziness and thus doesn’t seem to have any easy access points.  This is due to the fact that, when faces were invented, the idea of transplanting them didn’t occur to anyone, so they weren’t made with escape hatches.  You’ll have to make your own.  Here’s a few handy ways to get your face off;

• Sandblaster
• Street luging on your stomach
• Baboon attack
• Checking to see if your shotgun is loaded whilst in the Deep South
• Abuse a drug that has “face falling off” as a side effect
• Make out with a lawnmower
• Make out with Snooki
• Aggressively wash your face with gravel and acid
• Cheese grater
• Put your head in the sun or something sun-like

There are many ways one can lose a face but it should be stressed that, strictly speaking, you want to still be alive after your face is off, so use your better judgment.

Step 2: Find a Face Man

With your face off you’ll be meeting a lot of new people.  Sure, you’re not breaking new ground, but defacening is still new enough that you’ll cause a bit of a stir in the community and get some fame.  Aside from blood-sucking journalistic parasites and online comedy writers, you’ll also meet medical professionals, some of whom studied at the prestigious John Hopkins Facial Putting-Onnery, Boston Campus.  These men and women will use tape measures, calipers, colostomy bags and fiddlesticks to determine if they can get a new face set up for you.  But don’t be hasty!  Make sure your Face Maker is the right one for you.  You might want to ask them some preliminary questions like;

• How many faces have you made?
• How were the faces, like on a scale from 1-10?
• Like, would you have done any of the faces is what I’m saying.
• Nevermind the body, they could have been a CHUD, I just mean the face.  Do you make sexy faces or what?  I don’t want to look like a literal ass face up in here.
• If you could make a new face for any celebrity, who would it be and what would you do with their new face?
• Tell me about the funniest face transplant prank you’ve ever pulled.
• Can you make my new face have superface abilities of some kind?
• Can I be Asian?*
• Do you keep the funky old faces at home in a sick trophy room you use for sexual purposes?
• Does the sick sex trophy room have a name, like The Vault or Stroking Acres?
• If my new face gets mildew or whatever, what’s the warranty look like?

If you’re satisfied with your new Face Doctor it’s time to go ahead and plan the face for you.

Step 3: Planning the Face for You

Obviously getting a new face is a big deal because most of us only get one and, if you’ve ever been on the Greyhound bus, some of us barely qualify at having that one.  Now that you’re on number two and you’re in control instead of relying on your parents’ shady genetics, you better take the bull by the horns.  In fact, see if you can get bull horns, that would be stately.

You probably bear some attachment to your old face but look at it this way; ever see one of those sorry dudes still wearing leisure suits?  He had an attachment too.  But the rest of the world moved on.  Your face is a leisure suit, treat it as such and send it to Goodwill where it belongs.  If your face doctor starts gibbering on about bone structure and musculature and other sensible things, you make sure he understand you’re the one with no face so you’re in a bit of a better position to know what you want your new face to look like.  If he still gives you trouble, accuse him of witchcraft.**

Pick all the best features you had before, but then add new ones to create the ultimate face. This is your one chance to look like the end result of a Brad Pitt/Denzel Washington/Angelina Jolie/James Franco/Natalie Portman/Halle Berry/Jennifer Lopez/Gary Busey orgy.  Now that’s a pie we all want a piece of!  Here’s a handy list you can print off and laminate for your face man if you’re too busy getting horny thinking about what your new face will smell like.

1. Full, pouty lips
2. A strong, authoritative jaw
3. Laser vision
4. High, sensual cheekbones
5. A prominent but not dim-witted looking brow
6. The ability to read minds
7. Three more wishes

Step 4: ReFacening

Once you’ve placed your order it’s time to sit back and get that face on.  Your surgery will probably take 16 hours because every time you hear about an insane surgery on TV it always takes a preposterous amount of time, and they never mention how seriously bagged and shaky your doctor must be by the end of that crazy ass marathon.  Honestly, dude is probably missing stitches and leaving all kinds of weird shit inside your body.  Like forceps and Tic Tacs and stuff.  Old shoelaces.  A credit card.  That sort of thing.

When you wake up, you’ll probably be wrapped like a mummy.  Use this time to take some fun pics and video and try out your mummy impression.  Maybe you can scare some people in the psych ward if you can make it over there.  If Rachel Weisz is handy, see if you can’t use her body to resurrect your long dead lover.  Ah, nothing beats mummy humor.

When the bandages come off it’s time to be pumped to be let down.  You’ll probably be alittle puffy and gross at first and will look less like Brad Pitt and more like Brad Garret.  He’s quite the hot visual mess.  Don’t let this dampen your spirits as it’s just a natural part of healing.  Unless the doctor sewed some really ridiculous stuff into your head that is.  If you see the outline of a watch under your forehead well, then you know something is amiss. But otherwise, it’s time to wait it out.  How long?  I dunno, couple weeks?

Step 4a:  Couple Weeks Later

Look at that shiny new face of yours!  My god, people would pay just to touch that, wouldn’t they?***  Now you are officially too pretty for your old life.  Say goodbye to your loved ones if you feel they deserve it and pack your shit, it’s time to move someplace prettier.  You earned it, New Face Guy.  You and that smart looking face of yours!

*Ideally used if you’re not already Asian.

** Or buggery.  Both can really cause havoc in the workplace.  What kind of person buggers a faceless guy, anyway?  Sickie.

*** Don’t let them!  They may carry disease.