So you’ve decided to leap into the stream of human effluence that is TLC and exploit yourself or loved ones for money and something akin to notoriety. Maybe infamy. Good for you, sorta. Despite all signs to the contrary, getting a show on TLC is not as easy as being walking garbage, you need to really hone and refine how much of a piece of trash you are. Only the truly awful get to be seen on TLC.
You may be thinking that we’ve already started with a faulty premise in that not everyone featured on TLC is human garbage. What about all those charming little people? What about those charming 1,000lb people? You’re not seeing the forest for the trees. The fact they’re on TLC means they’re a cog in the human garbage machine, you see. No one on a TLC reality series is there for a good reason, it’s all exploitation, so even if you’re a decent human, you need to be exploitable in a bit of a circus way because TLC is a modern carny sideshow of human misery under the guise of human interest. Shame? It’s not welcome here.
So to start with, what makes you noteworthy? Why should you be exploited on TV? Here’s a fun list of qualities that can get you on TLC.
Kick it Up a Notch
So you’re a hairy midget with a penchant for child abuse, are you? Big deal. You need to go bigger (figuratively speaking if you’re a midget.) Look at TLC golden child Toddlers & Tiaras. All those degenerates abuse their kids but man, that’s some stellar abuse. Have you ever tried to abuse a child in front of an audience with a trophy as your reward for doing it well? That’s a whole different level of abuse. That’s like the X-Games of abuse. Try some of these suggestions to see if they help.
No, Go Further
So, you’re mentally disturbed in a way that makes you eat the stuffing out of used mattresses and maybe you enjoy couponing. In the nude. Not a bad start, my friend. I use friend in a figurative way because obviously you’re awful and I don’t want to be near you. But you haven’t fully gotten t the heart of a TLC show yet. You see, the core of any good TLC show, and by good we mean awful, is that it needs to never be self aware while of course being totally self aware. Confused? Don’t be. Just look here.
Each of these is despicable in its own way. Isn’t that a coincidence? Of course not. TLC very carefully and very explicitly panders to the lowest common denominator at each and every turn. Every person they feature, every pageant mom, every “addiction,” every bride, every freakshow was selected to be a train wreck car accident clusterfuck for your perverse enjoyment. But presented in such an impartial, bullshit documentary way, as though they weren’t coming right out and saying “step right up, look at this freak of nature!” when they are. They absolutely are.
Can you handle having that done to you and/or are you not smart enough to notice them doing it? There’s just one more step!
Wallow in Your Shame
Be excited by whatever is wrong with you. Not sure something is wrong with you? Ask what the title of the TLC show is. That’s what’s wrong with you. You coupon as a verb, you’re 600lbs, you make your kid dress like Pocahontas if she was a hooker. If they want to film you for it, it’s objectionable. Hold that. Defend it. Be it. TLC.