If you’re a social malcontent, you may suffer the same issues we do whereby you suffer the inability to break up in a proper, mature fashion with another human being. Instead, not wanting to have that guilt on your shoulders, you simply force the other party to dump you. And 99 times out of 100 that’s as easy as teabagging her sister’s waffles. But sometimes you run afoul of a crazy girl, the kind of girls who’s pretty sure midway through the ride to the restaurant on your first date that you’re going to get married, have six kids and the lot of you will pose for family photos in identical sweaters. And if anyone ever tries to stop you, then you’ll have to move to a desert compound that’s fortified to withstand most explosives and live off of cactus and root vegetables while you worship an unexploded nuke and make love while crying under a red lightbulb on a dirt floor.
How do you get rid of those who don’t want their rid of to be gotten? You have to make yourself epically unappealing on some basic level that even the most deranged human being can no longer tolerate. You have to use your rational mind to come up with something carefully crafted to be even more insane than what their irrational mind is farting out into their psyche day in day out amidst remixes of 80’s love songs and knitting patterns for thong underwear. Can you be that insane? If not, don’t worry, because we can, we were, and here are your best approaches.
The Hygienic Route
There is anecdotal evidence that this method has been employed in the past with stunning success. So let’s peruse that anecdote. Word has it, a young fellow had found himself in an unsatisfying relationship he wanted to end. His first inclination was to force a wedge between himself and his lady friend by forgoing personal hygiene for a spell. So basically, he became a non-bather.
You need to have the stones to follow this through to its logical conclusion or it won’t work. If you don’t shower for a week, you can’t expect that to work. At best, your crazy friend is going to think you’re producing vast new amounts of desirable musk because your love for her is so strong. That won’t do at all.
In our story, the hero managed a full on three week extravaganza of raunch with nary a word of complaint from his friend and that’s when he almost hit the wall, as even though your insane friend might be OK with you smelling like a European cheeserie, your other friends and coworkers will not. So he was forced to Macgyver a new solution – he bathed while keeping his crotch wrapped in airtight plastic. Thus, only the undercarriage would remain sullied.
At this point he managed to fit in a routine of robust physical activity to ensure everything would marinate to peak stank, and then upped the ante on amorous encounters, busting out his rancid crotch as frequently as possible. It’s very rare you’ll ever find another human being willing to tolerate a physical relationship with you when your bits and bobs smell like the wharf after a St. Patty’s Day parade.
The Inconsiderate Route
If you find your indelicate hygiene isn’t cutting the mustard, you may need to up the ante. You need to mess shit up, sort of literally. Like not the shit part, you don’t want to do that, because why would you? Shit? How do you mess that up? It’s shit. Stop sidetracking me.
The deal here is to be incalculably assholey. So you need to get intimate. You intimate now? Cool. Now stop! It’s time to make a sandwich.
Men and women view intimacy differently, but for the most part we can all agree taking a moment, mid coitus, to go and make a sandwich, then bring it back and consume it while you continue your intimate task is absolutely f*cked up. It’s out there.
Your best choice for this is either PB&J, extra sloppy, or your cured meats. Pastrami and sex is wrong on a number of levels. Eat it and relish every bite but never stop making passionate, asshole love (different from love in the asshole, but we’re not dictating orifice choice at this point). The simplicity of this is really on par with some of the greater inventions of our time, like fire and nudity. You just eat a sandwich. The most destructive and insane sandwich of all time. You are a goddamn hero amongst assholes.
If you’re too afraid this seems a bit like a Seinfeld homage, dont be. If homage is good enough for Harry Bliss it’s good enough for you.
The Inconsiderate Route II
Lunch not working out? Don’t panic. Finish your sandwich and let’s move on. But don’t move far. If you want to go for the Hail Mary, it’s a good idea to lose respect for the general sorts of things you never even stop to ponder in your day to day life. For instance, do you generally destroy people’s shit? Probably not, society steers us away form that by instilling a basic kind of respect for property in general. Living things, beautiful things, other people’s things, we give them some distance. Not tonight, man. Tonight’s not for that. Tonight is the night you finish your intimate encounter by walking over to the drapes, grabbing a handful and cleaning yourself from bow to stern, deep and thorough.
You don’t necessarily need to use the drapes, but it’s a dramatic choice. A small jewelry box used as a scraping tool, the tail of a complacent pet, framed photos of dear family, all our good choices and will very likely lead to the sort of open-mouthed awe stare you only see at the scenes of massive accidents and insanely unpredictable magic acts.
If the 1-2-3 combo here doesn’t work then you honestly need to watch your back. You’re dealing with the sort of person who may be trying to steal your breath while you sleep and put clippings of your hair in their food so they can try to grow a new you inside themselves. It’s not normal. Not at all.
If it does work, congratulations you glorious mad man. If it fails, you may need to seriously consider faking your own death.