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How to Get Rid of Acne

Say, are you riddled with zits?  Do people try to hang their keys on your forehead?  Ha ha, that’s preposterous.  Anyway, follow these steps to clear skin and easy living.  And let’s say hassle-free sex, that’ll probably happen.  You ever see someone with clear skin not having sex?  Or delicious, free sandwiches?  Me neither.  I have a scar on my face, I never get laid.  Or sandwiches.  FML, yo.

  1. Unclog your pores.  Have you seen your pores?  They look like a storage facility overrun with hobos and bag ladies.  Or even that creepy Muppet from Labyrinth with all the trash on her back, remember her?  That lady is your pores.
  2. Keep unclogging.  You may need an apparatus.  Or acid.  Not hydrochloric acid, that’ll clean your skin right off.  You could use salicylic acid, that’s for skin.  It’ll take that Muppet bag lady and smack a bitch.  Then your pores will be open, clean craters in your face, looking like empty little flesh baskets.  So gross.
  3. Don’t put like acid acid on your face.  You can buy it in soap.  That wasn’t clear before.  Any pure acid on your face is probably a terrible idea.  Remember that scene in Batman and Robin when some dude was all “it’s boiling acid!”?  Of course not, that was a shitty movie.
  4. Hook a brother up with some benzoyl peroxide.  I looked that shit up on Google.  It’s the stuff that kills your disgusting face bacteria.  Do not use a cocktail of radioactive RNA or stem cells harvested from an asteroid.
  5. Rinse your face, maybe pat it dry.
  6. Did you remember not to use alien stem cells?
  7. Check the label on your cleanser to ensure lack of alien stem cells.  Man, you were told back in step 4.
  8. Come to terms with the fact you used alien stem cells to clean your face.
  9. You may want to pack some things, you’re going to have to hit the road.  Get a shirt and another jacket.
  10. Because the government is sending people for you.  Your face is all aglow with alien life.  You’re a science project.  Best to run if you don’t want to be dissected in a lab.
  11. Leave the cell phone, they can track it.
  12. No, take the credit cards.  Hit the gas station down the street and take your max cash advance, leave the cards in the trash.
  13. Toss out your shirt too, they have you on the gas station security cams.  Put on the new shirt and jacket.
  14. Hit up Wal Mart, you’ll need scissors and hair dye.
  15. Don’t go to Mexico, everyone goes to Mexico.  The border patrol will be looking for you.  Head North.
  16. The border between the US and Canada is over 5,000 miles.  Mostly unprotected.  We’ll be Canadians in no time.
  17. Stick to back roads, just in case.
  18. Did you hear something?
  19. Shit.
  20. You can hear people’s thoughts.  Don’t freak out.
  21. Wait, does this car have OnStar?
  22. Ditch the car, they’ve been following you the whole time.
  23. Steal that pick up truck.
  24. What do you mean you don’t know how to hot wire a car.  Come on, man.
  25. Black helicopters.  Just run man, towards the tree line.
  26. God, you’re slow.
  27. Come on, you’re barely moving.
  28. Oh weird, you have tentacles coming out of your back.
  29. I think your ass is bleeding.  Your pants are drenched.  This isn’t good at all.
  30. Oh.  Hmm.
  31. You just exploded.  Those alien stem cells just don’t mesh with human DNA, do they?
  32. But hey, the goo the government cleared up and studied was totally acne free.  Tight.

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