So you’ve decided to ride nature’s own wacky shack and do a cripple, good for you! But don’t get caught up in all the glitz and glamour of those Hollywood cripple pornos, there’s a lot more to it than all of that. So grab your pencil and some muscle-relaxing lube and we’ll take you on an erotic journey through wheelchairs, scooters and chairlifts the likes of which even Casanova had never dreamed.
Sexifiy Your Disability
As you may already be aware, traditionally the infirm and lame and not considered desirable and until the 1970’s, were often discarded on train tracks or in volcanoes to appease vengeful gods. All that changed in the golden age of fetishized German porno when we realized the disabled were just like us, only quite noticeably different.
You need to start making the disability you’re going to be getting humpy with into something sexy. Have a thing for someone in shin splints? Why not take a shower with a splint? Soap yourself up in some candlelight and let your imagination run wild. More of an oxygen tank fan? Breathe deep and feel it penetrate your insides. Sick!
Now that you feel a significant arousal around your gimpy paramour, it’s time to make your move. But wait! You can’t hump every disabled person the same. You go at this all catawampus and someone is going to end up in intensive care and it rhymes with “the cripple you negligently humped.” Prepare accordingly!
Thanks to the efforts of notable Parkinson’s sufferer Michael J Fox this disorder is sexier than ever. As dopamine-containing cells in your mid-brain die off you lose fine motor control, have issues with gait, shaking and, in time, you may develop cognitive problems as well. It’s a shitty illness and while they search for a cure, you may as well remember that these people are still human and some, arguably, would appreciate if you climbed them like a tree. Besides, they’re like human vibrators. Where you going to find that again?
Since your shaky love will be twitching like a squirrel that touched an exposed power line, you need to make the most of what nature is offering you. This is the perfect opportunity for some up close and personal dirty dancing which, by virtue of the disease, has to be dirty because it’s like a full body tug job whenever anyone gets within reaching distance. Dr. James Parkinson probably never had that in mind, but he should have.
Your seductions should go by quickly as all that jazzy motion really speeds up the “getting to know you” portion of the evening. From there it’s a matter of determining who and what goes where and how. If you have slippery sheets it’s cool for the Parkinson’s partner to be on the bottom as they’re apt to slip around on the bed like a trout in the bottom of a boat. However, if it’s something like cotton you may want to have them on top lest they get a nasty rug burn or somehow tie themselves into a sheet knot.
Sexy Twist: Trying having sex on the washer to add a second level of vibration to the mix. Will your partner and the washer start vibrating at the same frequency actually causing all vibration to stop and curing the Parkinson’s? No.
Many people with critical spinal injuries and degenerative disorders lead a full life, even in the confines of a wheel chair. Have you seen Murder Ball? That shit’s intense. Now imagine that frenzy in the sack. Minus the metal of the wheel chair, of course. Unless that’s your thing. Sickie.
Now, depending on the kind of MD you’re dealing with, your love interest may have very little muscle control or ability to move at all. In general, it’s a muscle disease that weakens the entire body. Fret not! To an outsider many expressions of love seem inappropriate, but between two consenting adults, using duct tape to securely fasten one of those adults’ fun parts to a wall so they don’t slide away from you when you’re humping them is perfectly acceptable and, yes, even beautiful. We don’t want to cheapen this moment so we’ll say no more.
Sexy Twist: Think outside the box! Just because your head is normally up and your feet on the ground doesn’t mean a person who can’t move and is being taped to a wall has to be arranged that way!
If you follow us on Facebook you know we’re big with the autistic community, which is our hilarious way of saying we once got into an argument about why it’s not a good idea to feed your autistic child nothing but grilled cheese sandwiches. Oddly, we were the ones with the rational viewpoint in that exchange.
Autism generally affects social interaction and communication, two things you barely need to have sex anyway, so you’re already off to a good start. The most important thing you need to remember is Asperger’s isn’t autism, it’s a bullshit excuse socially inept losers diagnose in themselves when they can’t figure out why they have no friends. But the other thing you need to remember is Rain Man. What did Rain Man love? Judge Wapner and apple juice. If that doesn’t get you in the mood, then maybe you’re the cripple. Like brain crippled. Right in the love muscle.
Sexy Twist: If you have yourself a math savant, you can get them to count deez nuts!
Our oldest and most revered infirmity, blindness has a long history of seduction. If it’s not a blind Seer, it’s a blind jazz man, a blind beggar or Denzel Washington trying to keep the Bible from a creepy ass Gary Oldman. Plus they have trained dogs, sticks and cool sunglasses. Is there anything the blind can’t do? Yes. See.
The blind person’s disability is arguably one of the most sexy insofar as it’s one of the few those of us not afflicted with will actively imitate during a raucous weiner wrangling session. Blindfolds are a pretty vanilla staple of the kink world for people who also think having the lights in the next room on is kinky, or doing it on sheets that were gifted to you by a relative.
Now obviously a blind person can ride your pony like a fully sighted person but where’s the fun in that? Having sex with someone who isn’t handicapped is about as erotic as watching the View. If you even get a boner, you’re just going to feel bad about it. You want to make the most of your partner’s inability to actually tell where you are.
To start with, turn on a blender, or maybe a wood chipper, to help overcome your blind partner’s heightened sense of hearing. And maybe douse the room in kerosene or salsa so they can’t smell you coming either. Then it’s time to become a sexual ninja and make precision, unexpected strikes from all corners. Hi-ya, you got done in the ear! And as they turn to find out where you are, run to the other side of the bed and get them in the arm pit. Now that’s foreplay.
Sexy Twist: You know that game you play on Halloween where you get blind folded and people put your hands on peeled grapes and say they’re eyeballs, or in tomato soup and say it’s blood? Play that, only cut a hole in every bowl and put your wang through the bottom so that, in every bowl, it’s your wang.
Dissociative Identity Disorder
Bar none, the sexiest disorder of them all, DID is the swinger’s party of the mental health profession. Imagine, every day, making love to someone new while still being fully monogamous. That’s fun, right? Maybe one of those new people will be the same gender, so now you’re open minded. Maybe one will be another race, so you’re diverse. Maybe one will be a serial killer, so now you’re a total badass. The sky’s the limit when you’re batshit crazy!
People with multiple personalities may also be able to converse with or at least hear the voices of other personalities in their own mind, meaning you could be banging one personality while another one talks dirty to them. It may not be everyone’s ideal threeway but dammit if it isn’t kind of awesome anyway.
Sexy Twist: Get to know the personalities and as they switch, why not imitate them all for an added dimension of insanity? Besides, if you’re humping the personality that plans to bury you in the crawlspace when you’re done, it’ll serve you well to make him afraid he’s going to be buried down there, too.
Basking in the Afterglow
You’ve just been initiated into the erotic realm of handicapable humper, but it’s not time to prance off and high five all your buddies just yet. You need to spend some time with your crippled friend, holding them, spooning them and loving them. Just kidding! You can leave, what are they going to do, chase you? Seriously though, go volunteer at one of those organizations we linked, it’ll do you a world of good, you awful person.