Hi ladies. Welcome to the Taco. Can we fix you a drink? Something fizzy and scrumptious, perhaps? Yes, that will do. Sit here on the comfy seat and let me tell you a tale. A tale of wanking. Of flogging the bishop. Planting Farmer McGruber’s radishes. Shuffling the spam hammer. Rolling out the Shriners. Laminating the W-2s. You get the idea.
So, you want to know how to masturbate like a man. It’s not as easy as you think. The public at large has a very faulty impression of men and men’s sexuality. People think men think of sex every 6 seconds, which is as valid a statement as assuming women think of making me a ham sandwich every 6 seconds. There’s a secret garden inside every man’s debauched session of abusing his undercarriage. Come and see.
The topic of what can get a guy off is fodder for many a shitty stand up comedy routine. Many people want to believe it’s the heinous objectification of women in hardcore Swedish nihilist porn or what have you. The whole porn industry exists to fuel the nefarious fantasies of gutter bugs. But c’mon now. The porn industry exists because if you have 10 minutes free and a broadband connection, you may as well do something with it. But a guy doesn’t need that to get off. For instance, any man who has been 13 at some point in his life can guarantee to you any of the following can reasonably used as fantasy fuel;
Basically, what you’ll want when you’re going to get off like a man is something, anything, that makes you think of something that could foreseeably get you off at some point in time. Do you have something like that? Next!
Where to masturbate is always a tricky subject. Here is a list of places best left unsullied by your trouser chupacabra;
Does that mean your bedroom and the shower are the only places left for man time? Ha ha, don’t be so legal. Behold the list (not exhaustive) of acceptable locations;
The difference? The first list is, of course, indecent. Also likely to have more people who can see and/or are sober. The second is all classy and fancy free. Enjoy!
Having no idea what turns women on, I can’t make this part of the guide a reference point. I think it includes scented candles and the music of Sisqo, but that’s just a guess. And really, it doesn’t matter because this is how a man does it. What do you need as a man?
- A sock, some tissue, an empty spot on the floor
- Butter, hand lotion, mildly viscous saliva
At this point, anything else is gravy. Please don’t use gravy.
Wank technique is as unique and beautiful as a snowflake, especially if that snowflake is creepy and unsettling in some way. Like if it was shaped like a dude jerking off with damp bread. Did you know people do that? You’ll have to take our word for it as few are chomping at the bit to admit it publicly. But next time you’re on an elevator with more than three men look each one in the eye. One of those guys has wanked with food. Guaranteed.
Methodology may vary based on any number of factors from available time to level of psychoses present in the wanker. You won’t want to start with anything too advanced, so keep those penis pumps and nut crackers on the sidelines for now and instead focus on the simple things in life; your hand.
Foolish people will tell you that The Stranger is the way to go, make your hand go numb and then jerk off so it feels like someone else is doing it. But then you get the pins and needles and that makes it seem like Jesus saw what you did and is now punishing you from the inside. No good.
Some swear by the reverse grip, where you turn your hand upside down in a motion reminiscent of using a screwdriver to hack ice chunks off the ceiling of your freezer but really, that’s just awkward.
Some people, and be sure you know about this if you’re looking to crash at a friend’s house ever, some people hump their pillows. They mount them and everything, like depraved little linen whores. This is wrong.
What you want to do is just grab hold the way you’d expect to fight off a Japanese tentacle beast and wrestle it into submission. It’ll work itself out from there.
If you followed this instructions correctly, in about 5 minutes you’re going to either want a snack or a nap. Congrats, bro!