We’re a scant two days away from Halloween and you, like most of us, are probably scrambling for a costume. For people like us, Halloween is one of those holidays that you’re constantly reminded of leading up to it, but when it happens it always seems to sneak up on us as if we thought it was July instead of October.
Seeing as I’ve been the guy that scrambles for a costume many, many years in a row now, I thought I’d provide a public service by guiding you, step-by-step, through your costume-finding journey.
1) Wake up on Saturday morning feeling fresh and ready to start your day.
2) Check your phone for any missed calls or unread text messages.
3) Notice that your friend Danny sent you a text notifying you of a killer Halloween party on Sunday. The only catch is, the host is kind of a dick and won’t let you in unless you’re wearing a costume.
4) Panic and curse the universe for allowing dates to be shifted to different days every year. “Halloween on a Sunday? I have a fantasy football team to keep track of!”
5) Realize that if you don’t go your friends will think you’re a loser.
6) Go to your computer and check your bank account.
7) Notice how a billionaire hasn’t randomly transferred billions of dollars into your account for no reason.
8) Realize that making an original costume is not financially feasible, and that Halloween started sucking the moment you got your first job and your parents stopped buying costumes for you.
9) Start searching through your closet and dresser drawers for something – anything – that can be converted in to what can even somewhat be considered the clothing of someone that isn’t you.
10) Black T-shirt and jeans? No; too much you.
11) Shorts and a Hawaiian shirt you haven’t worn since the day after you bought it, realizing it was a terrible purchase? No; still too much you.
12) A diaper and a pacifier? Oddly enough, still too much you, even though you don’t remember why you own one adult diaper and a chewed-up pacifier.
13) Wonder if you sleep walk and at night become the sleep-walking patriarch of a family you didn’t even know you had.
14) Give up searching through your clothes and head to your local Goodwill for some second hand costume options. Maybe something there will inspire you, and for a low price?
15) Drive to Goodwill.
16) Walk in to Goodwill.
17) Feel the overwhelming urge to immediately leave Goodwill as you see the throngs of freaks that shop at Goodwill are scrapping the bottom of every clothing bin and rack for something – anything – that can make them look like a bigger freak than they already are.
18) Dig through the first bin of old clothing you find. The one between the guy that smells of onions and the lady with pit stains so intense that if her arm pits were eyes, doctors would diagnose them with jaundice.
19) When the onion-smelling guy leans over and says, “Last minuet Halloween shopping, huh?”, replay back by saying, “I know. It’s crazy”, even though you really want to say, “So, are you dressing as an Outback Steakhouse appetizer?”
20) Notice an old, worn out tweed jacket at the bottom of the bin. “Hm,” you think. “Maybe I can be the Doctor from Doctor Who? All I need is a red bow tie and some suspenders!”
21) Move your hand in to grab the jacket.
22) Watch the jacket get snatched away from your grasp by a hipster a split-second before you touch it.
23) Know, for a fact, that this hipster bastard will be wearing that jacket no less than 4 days a week, none of which will actually be tomorrow, Halloween – the day when wearing an old tweed jacket is actually acceptable outside of the world of Ivy League college professors and homelessness.
24) Say to the hipster, “Hey, I was just going to grab that!”
25) He will say, “Yeah, well I saw it first.”
26) Notice that you hate him more than you thought you can hate another human. The more he speaks, the more you hate. You hate with the intensity of 10,000 suns.
27) Say, “I bet you get beat up a lot, huh?”
28) He will say, “You have no idea. Tootles!”
29) Leave Goodwill dejected.
30) Drive back home.
31) Give up trying to put together a costume.
32) On Halloween, show up to the party without a costume.
33) Walk up to the guy at the front door.
34) When the doorman asks what you’re dressed as say, “I came dressed as the guy banging your mom.”
35) Gain entrance in to the party and get drunk.