It’s Christmas time, which means it’s time for families to gather together for a nice prime rib dinner and remind us why we all gather together only a couple of times a year.
I’m usually the family chief when it comes to large holiday gatherings, so I thought I’d write up a quick bacon-stuffed prime rib recipe for you and yours.
1 pound bacon, sliced
½ cup chopped celery
½ cup chopped shallots
All ingredients required to make many martinis
3 garlic cloves, minced
¼ cup sour cream
½ cup green onions
A lot of patience
1 tsp. fresh sage
1 tsp. fresh thyme
¼ tsp. nutmeg
2 large eggs
1 5-bone standing beef rib roast
An X-Box 360 with a large selection of games
Salt and pepper
An almost inhuman level of tolerance for your family’s inane bullshit
1) If frozen, be sure to allow the meat to thaw in the refrigerator 24 hours prior to cooking.
2) In a food processor combine raw bacon, thyme, and olive oil. Pulse until bacon is coarsely chopped. Tell your mom to get out of the kitchen because nobody wants to eat a prime rib stuffed with dates and walnuts.
3) Scrape the bacon mixture in to a pan. Cook until bacon is slightly browned, like the color of the begning mole on your uncle’s neck that he keeps using as a conversation starter, about 10 minutes.
4) Transfer to a paper towel to soak up some of the grease. Reserve 2 tbsp. bacon drippings. Block out your sister’s tales of divorce and readjusting to the single life with a stiff martini. How stiff? So stiff that it’s basically just gin in a plastic cup with an olive in it.
5) Return pan to medium heat, adding shallots, celery, and garlic. Stir occasionally, or whenever your aunt complains about the sharp pains she gets in her pancreas caused by her off-the-charts levels of excitement whenever she watches Dancing With The Stars, about 5 minutes, or until your aunt begins to suspect out loud that her pancreas reacts violently to the sight of Tom Bergeron.
6) Stir in sour cream while enjoying the few moments of mildly tipsy silence that stirring sour cream in to a bacon mixture brings. It’s magical, isn’t it?
7) Ignore the fact that your grandfather is very vocal about his distaste for most ethnicities that are not his own, occasionally keeping an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t give the evil eye to your girlfriend or boyfriend who is one of those ethnicities.
8) Transfer bacon mixture to a bowl and stir in bread crumbs, scallions, sage, thyme, and nutmeg. Season with salt and pepper, but not too much salt, or else your sister will complain about swollen ankles after dinner and will use it as an excuse to not help with the dishwashing. Lady, you’re 40 pounds heavier than you were last Christmas. It’s not the salt.
9) Stir in eggs and cover bowl with plastic wrap. Place in regriorator for an hour. This can be made 1-day ahead, when the house is quite and no one has arrived yet; when your home isn’t filled with things that remind you why you moved out in the first place.
10) Slice along the prime rib’s bone, creating a 3-inch deep pocket for the stuffing. Crack a smile; if you “accidentally” drop this knife blade-first on your foot, you can be spending Christmas with a morphine drip and room service. Eh. Forget it. You hate hospitals.
11) Line the pocket with the bacon stuffing, being sure to fill every nook and cranny. Feel just a little bit horny after forcefully cramming your hand in to a beefy slit. Giggle at the phrase “Beefy slit”. When your mom asks what you’re smiling about, say “Certainly not beefy slits!”
12) Wink at your boyfriend or girlfriend. Give them a wink that says, “Beefy slits! Awwwww, yeeeah!”
13) Starting at one end of the pocket, weave the kitchen twine horizontally around the pocket to seal it shut. Take a long, searching look at the portrait that is your family sitting together in the living room. Then think about the twine. Then think about Human Centipede.
15) Preheat oven to 450 degrees and then just kind of wait around for a bit because you forgot to start the preheating process because I forgot to mention it somewhere around steps 1-6; thus you aren’t really preheating right now as much as you’re heating. And just flat-out tell your mom to shut up after she reminds you of this in her condescending-yet-sweet motherly tone.
16) After the oven has preheated, or sometime after your 4th martini, whichever comes first, place roast in a deep roasting pan, cover with tin foil, and place in the oven.
17) Excuse yourself from the festivities for a moment.
18) Play video games.
19) After 20 minutes, or after 20 minutes and after you’ve reach a save point, reduce the heat to 350 degrees and continue roasting for another 2-hours. After that, ninja your ass back to your video game den before anyone talks to you.
20) Continue to play video games until your boyfriend or girlfriend asks you to come and mingle with your family, not because he/she wants you to stop being a shut-in, but because they want you to save them from the horror of being around your family. There’s only so many times grandpa can make not-so-subtly inquires about the potential of mixed race grandchildren.
21) Take the meat out of the oven. Allow it to rest for 10 minutes before carving. These will be the most harrowing and seemingly endless 10 minutes of your life.
22) Carve that thing up. Technique doesn’t matter here. Just shove meat in your angry face.
23) After dinner, open your gifts and smile: mom will forever be the person that makes sure you have a large stockpile of clean underwear.
Merry Christmas! Happy Chanukah! And Kwanza, too, if you’re in to that kind of thing!