How To Make A Test-Tube Hamburger

Are you hungry now but are tired of the immediacy of today’s foods? Are you looking for long-form cooking that integrates the arts of stem cell manipulation and slapping Mother Nature’s dumb, leafy face?

Of course you are!

Thanks to the wonders of modern science, you can now prepare a lab-grown hamburger of your own for the ultra-low price of 250,000 Euros, just like Professor Mark Post of Maastricht University in the Netherlands.

Here’s how to do it…

1. Slaughter a cow. Don’t eat it! Your grumbling tummy will be urging you to consume the cow flesh as soon as it’s sliced off the body and slapped on to a grill, but if you wait just a little bit longer the meal will be much more satisfying.
2. Extract stems cell from cow meat with either a highly advanced needle that can remove the microscopic cells or a Martha Stewart-brand whisk.
3. Place stem cells in a savory broth of the nutrients and serum from a cow fetus. Add onions and Worcestershire sauce for flavor.
4. For the fat cells, follow steps 3 and 4, but flavor the fetus broth with red pepper flakes and thyme.
5. Allow meat and fat fibers to form in the broth, about 6 weeks.
6. When the still-forming strips of meat begin contracting, carefully separate around 3,000 strips of the cow’s muscle tissue and attach them to Velcro. Yes, Velcro! It has so many uses! You will be able to recognize when the meat is contracting when it twitches grotesquely like a Nazi scientist’s lab experiment.
7. Stretch the meat tissue with the Velcro to keep the meat supple. No one is entirely sure how the Velcro helps, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
8. After the meat and fat tissues are alive and experiencing spontaneous frenzied fits of horror, grind them together in meat grinder to form a mound of yellowish ground beef. You will know when the meat is ready when the violent, abhorrent contractions cause a lab intern to yell “YOU’LL ALL BURN IN HELL FOR TRYING TO PLAY GOD!” before he or she faints. A passed out intern is also a perfect opportunity to harvest some stem cells for future research/food options.
9. Form the patty to your desired thickness.
10. Sprinkle with freshly ground black pepper and kosher salt.
11. Place the burgers on a hot grill over direct heat for 3 to 4 minutes a side for medium-rare so you can get that lovely jaundice-yellow hue that is a hallmark of a finely cooked burger.
12. Place on to a bun – preferably, a bun that is also an abomination of some sort, like a demon bun with sesame seeds.
13. Enjoy!

Total Cooking Time: 8 months.