How to Make Love to Jon Hamm

So you’ve decided to make love to suave bad ass Jon Hamm, good for you!  You have made a fine choice and will likely not get VD as he seems like a very tidy man.  Of all the handsome, chiseled actors making a name for themselves, he’s one of the most endearing, and he recently called Kim Kardashian a f*cking idiot in an interview, which is just so amusing.  So very amusing. Seriously, he’s going to be on a lot of funny movie lists in the future.

Making love to Jon Hamm won’t be as easy as taping his visage to a pillow and ruining the fabric with your unfortunate fluids and poorly worded love sonnets.  The odds are extremely high that Jon Hamm wants no part of you, especially the part you want to give him.  You’ll have to be crafty to pull this off but please, no raping.  We can’t stress that enough – do not rape Jon Hamm.  It’s been recently deemed illegal and we’ll have no involvement in it.

Step 1:  Research

There’s no sense making love to Jon Hamm if you don’t know anything about him. May as well make love to Bob Ivy (he played the mummy in Bubba Ho Tep and is probably nowhere near as tender as Jon Hamm).  You’re going to want to learn what makes Jon Hamm tick, and then exploit that towards your own nefarious, sexual purposes.  And by nefarious we of course mean beautiful.

Find out what Jon Hamm likes.  For instance, right off the bat, we can assume Jon Hamm likes things like puppies, oxygen and an adequate caloric intake to maintain vital functions.  So maybe you could surprise him with a tank of compressed air and a labradoodle covered in peanut butter.  That’ll get the old juices flowing.  If you saw that you’d start fertilizing eggs, or whatever it is people in the mood for breeding do.

It’s safe to assume Jon Hamm also enjoys tailored suits and misogyny, if Don Draper is an accurate representation of Hamm himself, and why wouldn’t it be?  A good way to get on his radar would be to show up in a dapper, three piece Italian pinstripe suit and mention how you’re pretty annoyed by how many women aren’t making you sandwiches.

Other things to keep in mind are that, even if you’re Jewish or Muslim, you can make love to Jon Hamm.  Also, maybe try it on a waterbed.  Wouldn’t that be exotic?

Step 2: Setting the Scene

Jon Hamm’s love making will probably make you feel warm and cozy, but in a degraded way, as is best.  But you can’t very well do him in the back of a cab, you need a little more planning.  Your three piece suit and hilarious views on sandwiches won’t get you anywhere if you don’t actually go anywhere or do anything.

Some people opt for scattering a room with rose petals and lighting candles and if that sounds good to you, we’ll have Clay Aiken’s people contacted immediately on your behalf.  For Jon Hamm you’re going to need a manlier approach, maybe some Scotch on the pillow and mesquite smoke so thick in the air it makes your eyes water.  But you’re not crying, you’re just getting misty and brimming with excitement at your impending fornication.  It happens.  Once that’s all set the sparks oughtta be flying like Tesla’s in the room and whacked out on sweet mother opium.

Jon Hamm once worked as a set designer for porn movies, so you’re going to want to appeal to his sense of esthetic and maybe toss in a dildo or two, just as decoration on the dresser or window sill or some such.  And it wouldn’t hurt to have the cable guy walk in on you.  Uh oh, what an awkward situation.  Say, you look like you could use a hand.  Or a weiner! Bow chicka wow wow, bow chicka wow.  And so on.

Step 3: Engage Coitus

Please don’t be a virgin.  You can’t expect to leap into Jon Hamm without a few notches on the belt to help you get your bearings.  And knowing how you’ve sexed up other celebs in the past, probably Christopher Walken and Lou Bega, you need to use some of your signature moves to impress Jon Hamm.  For instance, do you know what a reach around is?  Look that up.  The Shocker?  Practice it until it’s second nature.  Evening at the Apollo?  Make sure you bring a lemon just in case.  And if push comes to shove, make sure you’re at least comfortable enough with the Spanish Log Ride to give it a try.

Sex with Jon Hamm is a lot like sex with a synth pop band on a riverboat during a squall.  There may be more going on than you can keep track of and there’s a chance you’ll die, but that’s part of the thrill.  Insults will be hurled, laughter will ring out and you’re definitely going to feel some degree of shame.  Oh, and there will be gambling.

Jon Hamm will probably keep his clothes on the entire time and you’ll do well to not touch his hair but in the end you’ll have an amusing story to share with friends and a hell of a picture for this year’s Christmas card.

Step 4: Avoiding Awkwardness

You’re going to want to try your best not to tell Jon Hamm you love him. Or ask when you’ll see each other again.  Because you need to realize two things.  One, Jon Hamm doesn’t love you and two, you won’t see each other again.  Jon Hamm will make sure of it.  If you know that from the get go, it’ll make this all easier.  Don’t try to hold him or smell his hair, that’s not going to lead anywhere good.

Jon Hamm will likely have given you a nickname by this point, like Turd Cutter Bill or Gaper.  Accept it with grace but for God’s sake don’t try to return the favor with something like Hamm Bone or The Human Gymboree.  Jon Hamm doesn’t need a nickname.

Once you’re finished, Jon Hamm will probably have another drink and he may leave $50 on the dresser.  If he doesn’t, don’t bring it up.  If he does, buy yourself something nice!  Avoid eye contact at all costs and mention there’s some roast beef in the fridge.  Be sure to have a whole roast ready. He won’t stay to eat but he’ll probably take it with him.