So, you’ve decided to stick it to genetics and luck and try your hand at sweet, sweet coitus, good for you. The sex act, or porking, is one of the most satisfying ways to spend a commercial break man has ever devised. It provides a level of closeness, understanding and funny crotch feelings that few other activities that don’t involve pharmaceuticals or Fleshlights can hope to accomplish.
Holy Taco’s team of expert humpologists have condensed their sticky, lurid knowledge into this handy guide to ensure your next (be it first, last or both) sexual adventure is all it can be.
- Bathe. This can’t be stressed enough. If you’re running around town with a goody zone that’s buried under refuse and gruel and smells of brine shrimp and poverty, this whole guide becomes useless. Useless! And so help me God I did not sit down with a warm glass of vodka and a toaster strudel at 8 am Tuesday morning when the Warcraft servers were down for maintenance to write this just to have you screw it up on the first step. You find yourself a wet nap from KFC and you trawl that lemon-scented towel across your bits and bobs until they’re presentable. Or, better still, shower. You heathen.
- Dress for Success. Sure it’s counter intuitive to put clothes on when you just plan on taking them off later but studies show that 9 out of 10 naked miscreants caught roaming the countryside were rarely if ever propositioned for sex by those that ran screaming from them. You’re going to want to dress sharply, but not too sharp. Don’t put on a tie or your funeral clothes or any of that shit. No one humps a guy in a suit, ask Donald Trump.Ladies, this section obviously doesn’t apply to you, but if you want to maybe toss on a shirt that accentuates the twins, I ain’t going to stop you. (PS – twins means boobs).
- Work on Your Swagger. Before this goes any further, please look up a proper definition for swagger. If your mind first went to song lyrics of any type, I need you to go get a bag. Like a duffel bag, or a suitcase or whatever. Now put in a couple changes of clothing, your toothbrush, some deodorant, a razor, a book and some snacks for the road. Now f*ck off. F*ck off forever and don’t come back.For those still here, it’s swagger time. You need a degree of confidence because “please let me put my thing near your thing” is a pick up line that never works. At least it hasn’t yet. Even when you buy them 10 drinks first and offer to brush their hair with a brush you brought from home. What gives?
- Don’t Get Too Cocky. Ha. Cocky. Sounds like I mean wieners.But also, it’s true. Don’t get too cocky. While your tepid, limp-wristed, nancy attitude gets you nowhere, so too will acting like a giant dick face. You know those pick up artist guys? The only one verifying how many women they sleep with are other guys who believe in them. That’s like two guys hunting for Bigfoot and both confirming they saw him running through the woods.
- Make Your Move. Found someone whose goodies you want to jiggle and tweak? Let them know in a coy and roundabout way. You could just come and say “I want to debauch you” but unless you’re female or a guy who doesn’t read this website, that’s going to fail in a laughably spectacular way. Try something more reasonable like “I’m being shipped out to war in a week and I also have inoperable multiple scoliosisabetes. I’m dying.”
- Find a Quiet Spot. The bedroom has long been a favorite of love making connoisseurs because it usually has a bed in it, making it a comfy place to lie down. But in a pinch any man-sized plot of land will do.
- Disrobe. Maybe dim the lights if your physique is shocking or pitiful.
- Try some foreplay. Press you lips to your partner. This is known as a kiss. Do not attempt to bite or chew them. Well, maybe a bite if they’re cool with it, but definitely no chewing. If that goes well, try squeezing and jiggling their soft parts. You just made their day.
- Align your genitals. This can occur in one of 4 ways. Fact.
- Get to Wiggling. Sex is mostly herky-jerky movements and horizontal jogging motions, near as we can tell. Flop about a bit until one of you feels done.
11. Bask in the afterglow. Word up, G, you just made sweet, sweet love. Holla! Hug it out and go your separate ways.