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How to Make Real News More Interesting

This week the news has been dominated by Kardashians, Biebers, allegations of Jon Stewart racism, Juggalos becoming a recognized gang and who got voted off Dancing with the Stars, which is apparently still a thing.  You may be surprised to learn that easily a dozen other things happened around the world this week as well, but did anyone care?  No.  And the fault of that falls squarely on the media and their dogged insistence on never making the news interesting.  Lucky for you, Holy Taco straddles the line between journalism and sensationalistic tripe (like CNN! Or FOX!  Or MSNBC! Or DateLine! Or…well, yeah).  But when we straddle that line, we do it pantsless.  And with an eye to what’s going on.  Here then are the stories you may have missed last week, only more interesting.

Herman Cain Sexual Harassment

 

What Happened:  Of all the stories that went down this week that qualify as mostly legitimate news, this is the one you were most likely to have heard about because it involved a GOP candidate and this entire Republican run is like a long, preposterous sitcom that the media is loving.  In a nutshell, back when Herman Cain was running a restaurant supply store or whatever, he may have told a woman she was the same height as his wife or made the jerk-off motion or tried to take a shower with her, no one really knows at this point, however the woman was given an entire year’s salary to go away, even though nothing happened.  Sounds plausible.

 

Why No One Cared:  At first this seemed like it could go somewhere –ooh, sex!  But then it turned into something as boring as everything else about Herman Cain.  He worked in the restaurant business, he made offensive gestures.  Clinton did a lady with a cigar, so offensive gestures is lame ass.

 

How it Could Have Been More Interesting:  Well, aside from that cigar, Cain could have literally done anything.  Anything.  Or the woman could have said anything, instead of accusing Cain of harassing her and then in no way explaining the harassment in any kind of detail that would make it important or interesting in any way.  At all.  Also, the following could have spiced things up;

 

  • A tranny
  • Hugh Grant
  • A trio of Latin American prostitutes
  • Fire jugglers
  • A tsunami

 

Gaddafi Abused Before Death

 

What Happened:  Former Libyan dictator Moe G(Q)(K)addafi was captured by rebel forces and summarily executed/murdered rather than being forced to face trial.  The world is split between recognizing this as a bad thing or a good thing.  But also, word also came out that maybe just before he died someone tried to sodomize the man with a knife.  Holy shit.

 

Why No One Cared:  The anal knifing of a brutal dictator at the hands of his own angered people has all the surface makings of a great story – brutality, perversion, death, war, oppression, you’d think that’d be something to wow the world.  However, the issue at hand is more about war crimes and no media outlet is going to try to sell the twitter crowd on a story about why it would be bad to sodomize a mad dictator, even though, strictly speaking, that’s a terribly abhorrent thing and you would have some kind of diagnosable mental illness if you honestly found cause to celebrate such a thing.

 

How it Could Have Been More Interesting:  Aside from stuff like the journalistic integrity to make such a thing front page news over a story about a reality TV star getting divorced, if you want to make a butt stabbing as enticing as a Kardashian, it could have either gotten the Taiwanese CG treatment or, at the very least, secret letters to Condoleeza Rice that he stored in his ass could have protected him from the attack.

Student Loan Relief

 

What Happened: Because Barack Obama doesn’t necessarily hate you, he just delivered an executive order that lenders cannot require students to pay more than 10% of their discretionary income for student loans and loan debt will be completely forgiven after 20 years.

 

Why No One Cared:  Aside from this only being important to people who it won’t be important to for at least a year, the fact is, in real terms, it will only save students a few bucks a month overall.  The plan sounds good on paper but doesn’t have much real world affect.

 

How it Could Have Been More Interesting:  Debt Relief Thunderdome.  Two debtors enter, one debtor leaves.  Debt free.

 

 French Newspaper Attack

 

What Happened: Charlie Hebdo, a French weekly paper, was firebombed after publishing a satirical issue that was guest edited by the prophet Mohammed.  As you may recall, some Muslims really don’t like it when you make jokes about Mohammed.  Anyone, one Molotov cocktail later, the paper no longer has an office, just a pile of burnt crap in the shape of an office.

Why No One Cared:  Well, they’re French.

 

How it Could Have Been More Interesting:  Aside from the editors of the paper being hot Swedish chicks instead of doughy Frenchmen, the way to get people to are about freedom of the press, people who use violence to defend their beliefs and ethical questions about whether or not certain things should ever be off limits in a free society would probably be to present the whole thing as a hilarious video featuring Zach Galifinakis and James Franco.

Tunisian Election

 

What Happened:  In the wake of a revolution, Tunisia held a democratic election to replace ousted leader Zine El Abidine Ben Ali.  Moderate Islamist party Ennahda won the election and now the people of Tunisia can go about creating a new constitution and living free for the first time in years.

 

Why No One Cared:  Voter turnout in the US is under 60%.  There aren’t solid figures on how much anyone gives a shit about Tunisian elections, but a safe bet is that it’s not high.

 

How it Could Have Been More Interesting: Apparently if Nancy Grace’s nipples had slipped during the election process it would have gotten a decent amount of coverage on Holy Taco at the very least.

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