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How to Make the Scariest Place on Earth: A Russian Playground

haunted house

Anyone who’s been functionally sober in a marketing class (our intern assures of us this) can tell you that, in order to sell something, whether it be a product or a service, you need to make it appealing.  You need to  make it attractive.  You need to not scare the ever loving shit out of your target audience.  And here is where I put an asterisk. *  Then, after a picture of a beaver, I’m going to follow up.

beaver chewing wood

* Except in Russia.  I don’t know if it’s related to vodka, borscht, Soviet guilt, the cold or just the dour, stern, efficient way Russians must do everything from sexing to shitting, but man, Russians do not want to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, they’re happy to sell that pig ear, encrusted feces and all.  Fr instance, when a Russian seeks to make a playground, a place for children to frolic and play in innocent glee, they don’t look for delightful, cartoony images or bright, fun colors.  They look for visual representations of irreparable, untreatable madness.

If you too want to market a terrordome to toddlers in your neighborhood you’re going to need to do your homework.  Follow along;

Step 1:  Choose a Theme

Theme is important, it sets the tone for the whole experience.  Sea World chose a world in the sea.  You should choose Lovecraftian despair or something.

scary statue

A theme that’s hard to ignore or forget even after therapy is Ebola.   Not a fan of Ebola?  This pale, eye gouged lady also works for an Exorcism theme, Poltergeists, Night of the Living Dead, Hellraiser or You Won’t Make It Home Alive.  Kids will love it.

scary nurse figure

scary doctor

Knowing children as you do, you’re aware of their love of hospitals and the medical profession in general.  A good Malpractice theme is sure to make any child’s dreams come true, or maybe just a bit of Kingdom Hospital or Silent Hill.  Kids love needles is what I’m saying.

Step 2:  Populate it With Colorful Characters

clown of hate

Stephen King’s IT and John Wayne Gacy cemented clowns icons of mirth.  Neither of them carried quite the weight of this fellow and that’s saying something since Gacy was an actual murderer.   Is there any reason whatsoever why this had to look so offputting?  Not outside of Russia there’s not.

sucking fingers

In Russia, children love two things – Larry David and gagging.

the mad doctor

Is that a syringe?  A cocking gun?  Russian French tickler?  It doesn’t matter, Dr. Insane-O is going to insert it somewhere, kids!

sad animals

The Bleary-Eyed Elephant of Despair and his two friends Abandonment Issues Frog and Passive Aggressive Parrot will whisper secrets in your child’s ear.  Terrible secrets.

zombie scultpure

“Hey Billy, when we get to the park, I call playing with the Spread-Eagle Fat Hobo Zombie!”

monkey sculpture

Oh monkey, you’re hilarious!  Where’d you get that pile of torsos?

Step 3:  Include Interactive Fun

Kids will need something to do in your fearnasium.  Don’t let them down.  Don’t let them not have panic sweats.

legs slide

Epcot wishes they thought of this – climb the crotch and pick a leg to slide on down.

dead rat

Sure,  the swing set and teeter-totter are kind of fun, but once you’ve had a ride on a giant rat with a shattered spine, you’re having the time of your life.

eating kids

EAT!!!  TETANUS!!

inside the crotch toy

I dare you to stand there and tell me you can’t understand the motivation behind a giant, walk-in vagina.

Step 4:  Make Dreams Come True

scary children

One Response to "How to Make the Scariest Place on Earth: A Russian Playground"

  1. Johnny Mastodon says:

    Photo below the rat looks like the Flying Spaghetti Monster.