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How to Make Your Own Game of Thrones

So, you want to produce an epic fantasy series of books/HBO smut plays, good for you.  The fantasy genre has never been hotter than it is right now thanks to Game and predecessors like Lord of the Ring, Harry Potter and whatever that silliness that L. Ron Hubbard wrote was about.  Don’t believe the hype that it was sci fi.  We should all know fantasy when we see it. No time to explain that joke, on to the next paragraph.

Game of Thrones holds a special place in the fantasy hierarchy right now for being both a well written book series (that isn’t even finished yet) and a masterful television series on HBO that has proven the genre not only viable but critically and commercially successful in a way ever before imagined with the various made for TV films and miniseries that have so awfully tried to capitalize on it before – looking at you 1998’s Merlin.  What a loaf of shitmeal that was.

Making your own Game of Thrones isn’t as simple as tossing some dragons at a little blonde dickhead King or making everyone hump everyone else no matter how much the scene doesn’t require it, there’s a lot that goes into a fantasy epic.

Develop a Perverse Cruelty

For the sake of argument we’ll just cover the show Game of Thrones rather than the books for this article, although the books are even more disturbing so do yourself a favor and read them.  But you’ll notice in the show that most of the violence rarely consists of harsh name calling and man titty slapping.

Here’s  some of the ways people have died on Game of Thrones

  • Molten gold over the head
  • Decapitation (several times over)
  • Stabbed by shadow vagina monster
  • Pillow smothering
  • Knife in the eye
  • Rat in a heated box strapped to the chest
  • Burned alive
  • Dragged behind a horse
  • That’s a lot of crafty killing right there.  You’ll need to compete to get noticed.  Try some of these;

  • Spontaneous combustion
  • Eaten by hyenas
  • Implosion
  • Pooping out one’s insides
  • Mad Cow disease
  • Melting

 

Exploit a Vaguely Mystical Animal

Any fantasy story worth its salt has at least one kind of lofty, cool animal friend.  Gandalf had Shadowfax, Harry Potter had Ron Weasely, Jon Snow has Ghost.  You’re going to want to invest in your own cool animal companion as well, and make sure it can do something awesome but mostly irrelevant, so when a point in the story arises when having a super powered animal could have been very useful, no one will complain when it doesn’t intervene;

Develop a Perverse Interest in Incest

For whatever reason, and maybe it’s because it happened from time to time in royal families in real life, people in Game of Thrones tend to really love their relatives.  Or hate them, but that’s more normal for our sensibilities.  The loving is the weird part.  The Targaryens are said to have married brother to sister, Cersei Lannister is apparently only willing to hump her relatives and Viserys, before his unfortunate smelting accident, really had a hankering to stick it to his sister.  Not to mention Craster beyond the Wall who marries his daughters and Theon Greyjoy’s sister who seemed as pleased as punch to let her brother grope her on a horse.

You’ll notice much of this incest is brother/sister with a cousin tossed into the mix and one creepy old man with a lot of daughters.  That’s all just terrible but it’s also been done.  You need to one up Mr. Martin and his throney game.

  • One-legged grandmother with a harem of grandsons who can all tell the future but only while having an unwholesome union with granny.  Eew.
  • Actually no, we’re just going to skip this entry.  You get the idea.

Tweak a Monster People Enjoy

Your final step to fantasy epicness and fame is to actually put in an aspect of fantasy.  You can have a wolf, a brother who humps his sister and a guy’s head falling off in a comedy if you try hard enough (all integral to the plot of The Three Amigos), but to make it fantasy you need the fantastic.  Game of Thrones gives us a handful of adorable little CG dragons, dead guys who get up and walk around, and also the aforementioned shadowy vagina monster.  That’s an OK start, but you can do better.  But whatever you do, for the love of God, don’t include elves and dwarves.  No one is allowed to do that ever again.  Especially not Terry Brooks.

Anyway, try some of these lesser appreciated fantasy beasts, for that flair of the unknown with a touch of originality.

You’ve pretty much aced the whole world of fantasy here, so just put it all together in a few thousand pages of well written and detailed prose, then get HBO to make it into a series and you’re there!

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