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How to Pick a Sex Toy

So you’ve decided to give up ol’ Righty in favor of a real, honest to goodness sexual construct to aide in your marital relations and/or lonesome, gloomy, mid-afternoon wank sessions to help you manage the crushing depression of your solitary existence. Good for you! The path to one-man sexual freedom is not a simple one, however, it’s fraught with pitfalls and warm ham sandwiches that could lead you astray. If you want to ensure you’re going to have the best possible rubber or latex sexual experience possible, you need to think outside the box. Was that a euphemism? No. Let’s go!

The key to picking the proper sex toy is to determine what kind of pretend sex you want to have. Don’t understand? Then you’re pretty new to the internet. But we’ll humor you because we like to educate others. Remember, sex toys mostly exist to soullessly mimic real things. Real things you can touch with your wiener. But you don’t just want a shuffling vagina made of latex or burnished copper do you? No, regular sex toys are boring. We want the left of center ones. They’re still based on real body parts, they’re just not usual. Let’s see how they work.

The Foot , Know what’s sexier than a nice, svelte foot? Pretty much everything; arms, legs, chum buckets. Feet are the most utilitarian part of the human body and there is really nothing attractive about them at all. They get fungus for God’s sake. Ever heard of athlete’s boob? Nope, it’s all in the foot.

Despite this, there are foot fetishists out there because some people are what we call “wrong. Do you have a thing for feet? Don’t be ashamed, it just means you’re wrong. Probably your chances of a happy afterlife are severely limited now. No big whoop.

The people in the sex toy industry are at the cutting edge of the madness that is deviancy, so they are all over foot sex toys, which is to say these two exist. Look how there’s variety, so you can violate your insides with one, then violate the inside of the other. Or do them both at the same time. Fun!

The Torso , Getting used to being intimate with a woman is probably very difficult. The very idea of it gives us nervous poops. So does the anxiety of taking a long car ride, but that’s neither here nor there. In any event, easing into a woman is probably best done in the same way you might ease into a hot bath, probably best to take it slowly, one step at a time. And what better way than to practice with the trunk of a woman, minus any of the extremities that, like fan blades or snake rattles, will only serve to tie your stomach in knots? That question is rhetorical, since obviously there’s no good way to proceed with this entry.

Anyway, this torso here is a fine piece of Japanese engineering that says “I like the idea of coitus, but I might also be a serial killer, or a guy who collects his fluids in jars.

The Arms , While everyone has that one embarrassing handjob-in-a-Kmart-bathroom story in their lives that’s unforgettable and a touchstone for all future sexual encounters, the fact is the hand and connected meaty areas are really disregarded in terms of sexuality, for the most part. Sure, sensual touch is one thing, but mostly that’s a gateway drug to teabagging. Once the initial handshake is out of the way, hands and arms tend to not be involved in love making any longer. But not any more!

Yeah, look at that. That there is a hand. Again, if you’re new to the internet, you may be thinking “a rubber hand? But whatever could it do? The answer is the only awful thing you can imagine. Now that’s class.

The Face , It’s hard to achieve a degree of intimacy with a thing that has no face. Look at people who hump goats and stuff , even goats have faces. But the guys who do belt sanders and bicycles, those are the weirdos. Seriously, how do you have small talk afterwards if there’s no face? You need face.

You don’t need this face. This is not a face for loving. It’s a face of terror. A face that will not just swallow your manhood, but your soul. Plus it has a mustache that looks like shorn strips from Robin Williams’ back. But still, some kind of visage couldn’t hurt, and really, what you’re trying to do is emulate human contact anyway, right? Why not just Frankenstein yourself some sexy fun times?

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