It’s that time of year again. The time when nobody gives a crap about work until January fifth. For most people the last two months of the year are compressed to three days: Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve. Every day in between is a blur of green and red vomit. For most grownups, that blurry period is the result of overconsumption of holiday cheer. Between work parties and dealing with families, it’s incredibly hard to stay sober.
Work parties are generally the worst place to get drunk, and it’s the place where people get the most drunk. It’s never a good idea to get totally sauced in front of the people you’re going to have to face every weekday for the foreseeable future. Here’s a few tips on how to make sure you don’t embarrass yourself too hard at your next work party…
Wear a santa suit
Sounds ridiculous, but that’s the point. You show up, full Claus. Beard and all. You play the role for the entire night. A few people recognize you, but you’ve committed so hard to the character that those people don’t call you out. You’ve won over everyone and you’ve now got full license to get your drink on! Even if you do something stupid and/or creepy, everyone else will be so nogged up, they’ll think you were a holiday hallucination.
Bring your own egg nog
If everyone is boozing it up, drinking the yummy rummy egg nog at the party, you bring your own. But yours won’t have any alcohol. People will assume you’re chugging glass after glass, but really, you’re keeping your head on straight while you gather material for blackmailing purposes.
Bring a date
If you bring somebody from outside into the circle, then you’re much less likely to do something dumb with someone inside your circle. If you really want to stir the pot, bring a prostitute. Just make sure she doesn’t look too much like a prostitute. You’ll have everyone talking, and when they accuse her of being a prostitute you can say “That’s my girl you’re talkin’ about, bro!” They’ll stop talking, and start respecting.
Film everything with your camera phone
Treat it like you’re making a documentary. You walk in, camera rolling, you’re doing it so long that eventually stop noticing the camera. You’ll end up with enough scandalous footage to get yourself a raise in the new year.
Don’t show up
Probably the best idea so far. Just don’t go. Fake sick. Why would you want to attempt to party with the people who’ve been annoying the crap out of you for most of the year?