How to Remove a Wine Stain

So, got a little stain there do ya, rubbie dub?  Could barely hold that glass upright?  Don’t feel bad, we’ll save you before anyone realizes what a dangerous lush you are.

1. Blot the stain with paper towels to soak up excess shame.  I mean wine.  There’s nothing to be ashamed of, just because you’re drinking has become such a problem you can’t even maintain a grip on a glass, like some manner of giant toddler.
2. Do you have any kind of pre-treater?  Get it out.  Now throw it in the trash.  Do not pre-treat this stain!  Oh my God, why do you hate America?
3. Wait, this is dry clean only, right?
4. Doesn’t matter
5. You’re going to need some soap up in here.  You have soap, right?
6. I will turn this car around
7. You want to give me sass?
8. No, you think you can give me sass right now?
9. No wonder you’re spilling so much wine
10. Get a grip, man
11. Seriously, are you OK?  You’re acting sketchy
12. Oh my God, you’re sick?
13. Dying?
14. What the hell is Penile Scoliosis?
15. Shit, I’m sorry man.  Is it…bad?
16. Oh no
17. Listen, I’m….screw it man, buckle up.
18. Why?  Because you only live once old friend, and I’ll be damned if you’re going down like this.
19. We’re doing this.  Thelma and Louise style.
20. Listen, it’s not the best time to tell you, but this car is stolen.
21. And I kinda robbed a jewelry store earlier.
22. I just gotta know, are you in?
23. Are. You. In?
24. That’s my boy.  We’re going to Mexico, man.
25. Hold this.
26. Of course it’s a gun, how do you think I robbed a jewelry store?
27. Why the hell would I joke about that?  There’s about 1.2 million in the trunk right now.
28. It’s loaded, be careful.
29. What am I blind?  Of course I see them.
30. I dunno, maybe 5, 6 cop cars.  It’s not a big deal.
31. Do me a favor, start shooting.
32. Don’t you pussy out on me, you want to die already?
33. You want to live!
34. Shoot the tires.
35. Jesus, haven’t you shot a gun before?
36. A pacifist?  Are you shitting me?
37. Duck!
38. Oh my god!
39. My ear! Look at my ear!  Is it OK!
40. Missing?
41. SHIT!
42. Hold on, we’re head to the expressway.
43. Wait, what did that sign say?
44. It’s cool, we can jump it.
45. No really, this is a V8
46. I swear.
47. I’ve seen it in movies tons of times, you can jump an unfinished bridge
48. Why would they show it in a movie if it was fake?
49. Just hold on.  Trust me.
50. Shit.
51. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-
52. …huh?
53. Ugh.
54. Dude.
55. DUDE!
56. You OK?
57. Well yeah, now.
58. Don’t judge me, I’m trying to do you a favor
59. Where are the cops?
60. Ha. Oh man.  Hmm.
61. Shit, the engine isn’t turning over.
62. Um. Shit.
63. Take this bag, we’ll run.
64. Come on, man, they’re coming.
65. What’s the problem?
66. Oh shit.
67. Oh man, that’s a lot of blood.
68. Here, hold this over it.
69. Man, I really messed up, I’m sorry.
70. Shh, no, just stay there.
71. We’re gonna be OK.
72. Get back!
73. Get back, I mean it!
74. Oh for –
75. *glrrk*
76. Shit….
77. Oh…Oh man…
78. Hey.  At least…ungh…at least…
79. You can’t….
80. See….
81. That wine stain.
82. …anymore.