So, you want to fulfill the boner-infused dreams of every teenager in existence, good for you! It’s the greatest gift a person can give to themselves to just bust loose and have such a great time you either remember it forever and remember absolutely none of it.
You may not have noticed but the modern age strips away the fun times a little more each and every day. Even if you think you’re an utterly irresponsible party time alcoholic who everyone calls PissTank, have you ever considered that you probably own an alarm clock? That you can be tracked at all times by your smart phone? Your GPS has replaced your brain, as has that little red line under every typo you make, ensuring you barely need to know how to spell anything? You’re tracked and your life is laid bare online and everyone knows everything about you and you’re not the rebel you want to be. But you can be. You can be.
If you want to live the life of Gene Simmons (and you don’t, by the way) you need to realize Gene Simmons is a gross old man with massive ego problems. Instead, try living the life of the image you think he used to portray back before you were born when he was ostensibly cool. That means tang on an astronaut scale. Holla!
The life of a partier is a life of irresponsible sex and boobies and licking other people right on their tongue. Right on it! Don’t let things like unplanned pregnancy and disease get in your head because they’re kind of surefire willy wilters and God knows you don’t need that right now. Responsibility is for the responsible. You are a party machine. Unleash your weiner and/or lady weiner!
In order to maximize your sexy times, what playas call being a seximillionaire, you need to kick your seduction skills into high gear. Invest in a kit that contains the following;
Keep this in your trunk or the basket of your bicycle at all times. Try to have one under your cot as well. You can never be too prepared for making hump. Also of note is that you no longer make love. You make hump. You’re that good.
All relationships with members of the opposite sex who aren’t immediate family members should probably end in humping. And none of this blossoming relationship chicanery either, that’s what responsible, non-musicians do. You need to be naked, with mojitos, in a hot tub, before you know each others’ names. Which brings us to…
Responsible people don’t use drugs. And, for reasons we can’t get into right now, we can’t espouse you engaging in reckless drug use. But lucky for you, drug use is actually detrimental to your goal and we’ll tell you why – the drug lifestyle is a red herring. It’s a fact Rock n Rollers never actually used drugs when partying. You may choose this moment to counter with every biography and interview you have ever read about a rock star and their various stories about snorting cocaine off of dogs or getting high with Dutch prostitutes but then we’ll drop kick you with this bit of logic – Dirk Diggler.
You’ll recall at the end of Boogie Nights that Mark Wahlberg made us look at his disgusting, uncooked sausage of a prosthetic penis. He had to beat it mercilessly to get ready for his scene because of all his terrible drug use. Drug use, you see, destroys the very lifestyle you’re trying to build.
But Holy Taco, you may ask, isn’t this totally disingenuous? These rock n rollers really did live this lifestyle. I want to be like Keith Richards!
Now look at Keith Richards.
So instead we recommend you maybe make the most of your OTC cough medicine or just fake it like so many people do at parties when they want to act crazy and drunk when they’ve really only had beers and a handful of taquitos because they’re sad like that. You literally can’t rock and roll all night and party every day if you’re genuinely stoned on serious narcotics because, after a bender which is likely to only last a week if you’re really committed to it, you’re going to die. So instead of rock and rolling all night and partying every day, you will have rock and rolled all night and partied for a week and then died. See the problem? Yeah, you see the problem.
To give you the energy you need, try keeping the following handy;
Rock n Roll
You do not need good looks or, arguably, talent, to live a rock n roll lifestyle. This is exemplified by pretty much every other band that sells a gold album or wins a Grammy these days. Insert Nickelback joke here.
It’s fairly well known that most musicians get into music just for the chicks because there’s always a woman out there willing to debase herself with a banana slug if that banana slug plays guitar. You need to master an instrument. Follow this handy chart to choose an instrument and the corresponding woman you’re likely to attract once you master it.