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How to Ruin Your Stock


So you’ve decided you’re making too much money and want to destroy your customer base, good for you!  There are many paths a business can take to destruction, from introducing something called a Segway to funding a Renny Harlin film.  Another novel way is to diversify in a silly ass way, maybe by introducing a new division of your business, or separating old ones.  Maybe you’ll call it Qwikster.  Maybe you’ll be made fun of on the internet.  The possibilities are endless.


If you want to really ruin your stock, you’ll want to do it in a dramatic fashion.  Stocks rise and fall all the time and no one cares.  You’ll want a real zinger to make your stock plunge.  Follow these simple steps and you’ll be destitute in no time!

Achieve Stunning Success


Generally you’ll need some degree of success before you get to the point where you can actually sell stock in your business, or get anyone to pay for it, but Plain Jane success is for losers and T-shirt websites.  You want astronomical success, the kind that people tell friends about.  “Hey, did you hear about that new company that makes soundproof underpants? They sold a billion dollars last quarter.  It’s amazing. I’m blasting through a pair right now and you had no idea!”


Ideally you’ll want to be a trendsetter and provide a service or product no one ever has before.  Netflix sent movies right to your damn home so you never even needed to get dressed to watch the next season of Three’s Company.  That’s awesome.  Try to do that, but not, because it’s not working so great for Netflix right now.  Maybe send people tacos and sex.  Or stream it to them, but for God’s sake, don’t send it through the mail.


Engender Animosity Slowly


You could just jump in to your own downfall feet first, but that’s amateur hour.  You’re not making a DeLorean here, you’re setting up a massive enterprise and then slowly killing it, like a fish in polluted waters.  Waters polluted with your own silly assery.  So before you tear the foundations of your success down around you like Frankenstein in a rage, see if you can’t make a few small, annoying tweaks, like little papercuts, to piss off your customers.  If you deliver people movies to their homes, raise your prices.  Maybe switch up plans people have to subscribe to.  If you offer a nude house cleaning service, maybe only send naked dudes who look like John Goodman to do the cleaning.  If you bake cupcakes, fart on the icing.


Once you’re got your customer base mildly dissatisfied but mostly stable, you can move on to the next part where you kick tem square in their balls.  You should do this figuratively, but literally may also work, depending on your business.  Go with your gut.

Shred Your Business Model       

Now that people know what you do and you’re the best in your field at doing it, it’s time to f*ck that up.  Netflix opted to split its business right in two and have Netflix do streaming movies while the mail business would be covered by Qwikster, named after everyone’s favorite 80’s cartoon character Bucky Qwikster, the space-travelling rabbit.  That’s not where the name came from?  Then I have no idea.


Your business can follow this model as well.  Do you import and export?  That’s two businesses.  Do you raise cattle and pigs?  That’s two businesses.  Do you baby sit?  That’s two businesses (the second one is the one that ensures the baby is still there when the parents return.  Make sure you make that clear ahead of time).


Think of an Unclever Name


You may be thinking “Welp, Qwikster is a crappy name, but I can’t take it, Netflix beat me to the punch” and that’s pretty reasonable.  So, if you like, you could use a different name.  Here are some suggestions that, no matter what business you run, are sure to make no sense and offer no insight into what you do;


  • Qwappy
  • Qweer
  • Qwit Following Me
  • Qwidditch
  • Qwamps
  • Qwud
  • Qween Latifah


Of course, if you really want to reach for the stars with a shitastic name, you might want to consider going with “Qwikster.”  Because wouldn’t that just be ironic?


Spiral into Despair


Now that you have an awful new name and an awful new business plan, you might want to kick it in the side with a pair of steel boots and see what happens.  Maybe make your big announcement with the help of OJ Simpson, or offer all new subscribers to your service some herpes.  Can’t get much worse than alienating your customer base, making things needlessly complicated and slapping a lame ass name on it, right?

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