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How to Run for Political Office (90% of the time)

So, you want to make a difference in society, good for you!  Do you have ideals and passion and a desire to make your country a better place?  Sorry, this article isn’t for you.  We can’t relate to you at all as you’re about as rare as a unicorn.  Please come by our office and we will pay homage to your droppings.  Instead, this article is for everyone else who, like a teacher who hates children or a food inspector who eats at Arby’s in his free time, works in a sort of moralistic bubble where the implied reasons for doing their job mean nothing!  Now let’s get you elected to office!

Fix Your Hair and Clothes

This guy did not win any elections;

He had the suit right, but look at what else is wrong with him.  Can you see it?  Let me help.

No one is going to elect you with a bum beard, it just ain’t going to happen.  You need to have the same generic, forgettable hair that all political candidates aspire to, and a fairly non-descript fashion sense.  Do you know why Rick Santorum is not going to win?  Mostly because of his awful beliefs and the terrible things he says, but a good portion of it will be his ridiculous sweater vests.

You could switch Mitt Romney’s wardrobe with Barack Obama’s and no one would know the difference.   You could put Mitt Romney’s hair on Rick Perry and probably it’d be weeks before someone even brought it up.  If you want to succeed in politics, you need to hone the appearance of an insurance salesman.

Develop a Sexual Hang Up

Politicians and sex are like Ike and Tina – inextricably linked but volatile.  If you can live out a political career without ever having to remark on the sexuality of yourself or someone else, you probably don’t live in America, and that’s thanks to America’s obsession with gay people.  So even if you’re not a sexual miscreant yourself, you still have to occupy yourself with sharing opinions on other people’s sex lives, and that’s just silly.    But don’t worry, having an opinion on gay marriage is not the only choice for the sex-based aspect of your political self.  There’s plenty more!  Try any of these, just, you know, use caution.

  • Have your own secret, gay liaison in a public place
  • Sleep with multiple women who are not your wife
  • Send pictures of your penis to people online
  • Carry on an on-going relationship with a hooker or two
  • Get caught masturbating out of doors
  • Watch porn at work
  • Have an obviously gay spouse
  • Proclaim your ability to actually cure gayness
  • Invade someone’s personal space with a cigar


Develop a Hateful Stance on Your Opponent

Your biggest roadblock in being elected is not appealing to the American public, it’s making the other guy unappealing.  You can try to run a clean campaign but…why?  That’s pretty much unheard of.  Instead, try starting one of these rumors about the other guy.  They’re easy to do, just say “My opponent…”

Say Anything

It’s not just a fine film, it’s a motto with which to start your day – say whatever you can, no matter how insane, if you think it’ll get you more votes.  Not all the votes, because that never happens, you just need one more than the other guy.  Try some of these buzzworthy topics and see if they give you an edge.


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