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How to Run For President Against Donald Trump

So you’ve decided that society has decayed just to the point where you running for President isn’t quite as f*cktarded as you parents always told you it would be whenever they let you out of your cage to get hosed off.  Good for you!  The fact is now is the time when any true Holy Taco reader can shine more than ever before and if you actually grew up to be barely maladjusted at all your odds are fantastic and it’s all thanks to one billionaire, or possibly millionaire, depending on the day of the week; Donald Trump.

Poll after poll shows Trump as the frontrunner for the Republican party nomination which you could read as an indication Republicans are more hilarious than you ever guessed (or they gave up) or that after the election of Barack Obama, America’s first black President, the country is ready to have it’s first completely disgraceful President (as opposed to electing someone who becomes disgraced after they win).  This is good news for the rest of us who never went to law school or aren’t from rich oil families or sometimes impregnate hookers.

If you want to run for the nomination against Trump, you could take the high road, but I refuse to even properly end that sentence.  Instead, you’re going to want to beat Trump at hi own game.  Be forewarned, this will not be easy as even Donald Trump doesn’t know what his own game is, he makes shit up as he goes along and he’s not smart enough to make it up well.  You need to get into that headspace.  For instance, what’s your stance on gun control?  You better share a story about the time you had a 5lb burger all to yourself in a little truckstop in Alabama and the guy who owned the place was wearing fishnets.  How will you pull troops from Iraq?  Start your own TV show on FOX where you kickbox amateur porn stars and the winner gets $50,000.  What’s your position on anything?  Suggest Barack Obama’s Presidency is based on affirmative action, then demand evidence he’s always been black.

The best weapon you’ll have against Trump is a rich history of stupidity to rival his own.  In order to make it easier for you, let’s split Trump’s idiocy into easy to understand categories that can be appreciated by the voting public and then see how best you can tackle them.

Appearance

Like it or not, people are judged by their appearance.  Back in the 80’s this was a bad thing because you had to look like Patrick Swayze if you wanted to get any cheerleader tail.  If you looked like a Belushi, you were doomed to be the funny guy if you were lucky, and the star of K9 if you weren’t.  In the present, this just mean you may be considered to have more character and, in turn, may be more trustworthy.  For instance, this is what Donald Trump looks like on purpose;

He’s running for President but if he goes outside in the slightest breeze it looks like Old Yeller is being raised by serious voodoo forces form his scalp.  But it doesn’t seem to matter!  Your look can be just as vagabondish and no one will bat an eye. Take a look at these other popular figures;

casey abrams

Basically, you can succeed in 2011 even if you look like a CHUD, and that aint bad.  But don’t rest on your own repugnance; take it to the next level.  Trump is famous for that terrible hair, what can you be famous for that’s as easy as 10 minutes worth of neglect in the morning?  Try these!

appearances

Accomplishments

Don’t let the fact that Donald trump is rich dissuade you.  For starters, no one really knows how rich Trump is, not even Trump himself.  At varying times his value has been estimated to range from $250 million to $6 billion.  Trump usually states the high numbers while people researching him tend to lowball it and Forbes says $2.7 billion.  This despite declaring bankruptcy more than once and having more businesses fail than those guys who started drive thru proctology services in West Virginia.  ‘Member those?  Nutty.

Anyway, point is, Trump’s fortune has gone up and down more than a Vegas call girl and he’s done everything from reality TV to casinos to Miss Universe pageants.  He has no idea what he does for a living at this point and that means you don’t need to either, you just need a snazzy hook.  How do you top a guy who runs golf courses and willingly associates with Gary Busey?  Dig deep and embellish!

Check out this normal resume that someone who will never be elected President might have;

Now check out the same resume, only made to win!

Personal Life

Donald Trump’s personal life is to an easy political career what gonorrhea is to winning a Handsome Genitals Contest.  They still have those, right?  He’s had scandals with underaged drunk girls at parties, he’s had business deals gone sour, he’s had three marriages and if there’s an opportunity for him to say something stupid, he’ll jump at it like a lemur on an errant peanut.  This is great for your prospects in the Presidential running as, so long as you don’t have a crawlspace full of mutilated hobos under your house, you probably haven’t f*cked up nearly as many times as Trump has in his life.

If you want to be on even footing with Trump, while still not being a terrible villain from an old timey movie, you should pepper your own life with some colorful episodes that aren’t criminal in nature, or at least not criminal in a way people don’t enjoy.  Don’t go cartoony or you’ll end up like Ross Perot.  Instead, try to enrich your life with scandals and poor decisions like these!

Remember, not too cartoony.

Sound Bites

The last thing anyone needs in order to win an election is a balanced and reasonable platform big mouth.  Do you know what Donald Trump plans to do about the economy?  Or unemployment?  Or healthcare?  Of course not, neither does he.  Odds are, if he got elected, he’d poll the cast of The Apprentice, put all their suggestions in a hat, and just randomly pick out his positions.  But what he does have, and what you need, is a string of memorable, if somewhat brainless, talking points and buzzwords.  For instance, aside from the words “birth certificate” that probably dribble out of Trumps mouth even when he’s sleeping he also has “you’re fired” and, well, that’s it.  But “you’re fired” is far more popular than it has a right to be and if he wasn’t making such a stink over Obama’s citizenship would you even know he’s running for President?  No.  And with that in mind, it’s time for you to select a catchphrase to ride you through your campaign.

Becoming President

At this point you should be sporting an erection, a drinking problem, a dragon-themed resume and the ability to work “shito” into every other sentence.  You are now guaranteed to out-poll Sarah Palin and are ready to give Donald Trump a run for his money, however much money he may actually have.  Congratulations!

6 Responses to "How to Run For President Against Donald Trump"

  1. Myles Long says:

    Donald Trump drinks Brawndo because it’s got what plants crave or whatever’s on his head. I will vote for Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho!

  2. Dennis Nedry says:

    Republicans know Barack is going to win it. Timing is on Obama’s side. By the time the elections roll around, unemployment will be low and most people will be happy again. Maybe Republicans will keep the House and take the Senate, but the White House belongs to the Democrats following 2012. A really weak field of Republican candidates has come forward just like those in 1996. It’s also similar to what happend in 1984 when the best the Democrats could do was offer up Walter Mondale and a female VP. Donald Trump looks more like a VP candidate, a position which has become the modern-day equivalent of the court jester.

  3. DonkeyXote says:

    Ah shit, I haven’t got passed the first paragraph and I’m already pissing my pants in laughter.