How To Sissify The Greatest Military Mind of All Time? Name a Cologne After Him

There’s a long history of celebrities lending their names to a cologne or perfume brand, either because they have a financial stake in the product or they actually had a hand in creating the scent. Jennifer Lopez has Blue Glow, Celine Dion has Sensational, Antonio Banderas has Diavolo, and even NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon has his own scent, called Halston. The idea of the celebrity scent is one we can all agree is silly, but like most things that are stupid in this world, the phenomenon has been around for so long that we all just accept the fact that random “famous” people want us to smell like them. Once Elizabeth Taylor slapped her name on to a bottle of White Diamonds every celebrity out there that knew they would have to diversify their portfolio as soon as their primary careers took a nose dive. As you would expect, this all happens while the person is still alive, and the celebrity lending their name to the scent is usually, you know, a real celebrity. Like a singer or an actor.

Basically, the point I’m trying to make here is, General George S. Patton has a cologne named after him. This is the man who, during World War 2, assumed command of the U.S. Third Army and marched his soldiers through a Nazi-occupied France, advancing farther, capturing more enemy prisoners, and liberating more occupied territory than any other outfit in military history. And now you can smell like him.

Disrespectful? Maybe. Pretty? Totally.

The scent is derived from a unique blend of lavender, citrus, coconut, cedar, sage, tonka bean, bergamot, and lime. Because as we all know, one of the greatest military minds to have ever walked the earth – maybe THE greatest military mind we’ll ever see — really liked to smell like gourmet cookies.

None of those ingredients immediately call General Patton to mind. When I hear this…

…I don’t think about the ingredients to a facial scrub and a day at the spa. A Patton cologne should smell like scorched flesh, punching, and the enchanting aroma that fills the air after a man calls another man a pussy, and then he punches that other man so hard that he explodes and smells like scorched flesh. Damn, I think I gave away my recipe for a Genghis Khan cologne.

The Amazon.com page for the cologne has only one user review. In it, the reviewer states that the scent “has a backwoods, masculine scent that evokes memories of LandNav courses and ruck marches (if you could add a hint of cordite, it’d be right on the spot).”

So my guess of what it should smell like isn’t too far off, as the reviewer basically described the smell of a smoldering battlefield littered with bullet shells, Nazi death, and victory.