So, you’ve decided to win the lottery, good for you! It’s a fast and efficient way to get rich with very little effort, we’re surprised more people haven’t thought f it. Millions of dollars for the price of a cup of coffee or a candy bar or whatever costs a buck these days. I don’t know, I have a Swedish lady do all my shopping.
If you’re going to win the lottery, there’s no sense being responsible and doing shit like saving or investing the money so you and your family can live comfortably for the rest of your lives. What a disservice to hillbillies everywhere that would be. No, it’s best if you go right overboard into a new realm of idiocy we don’t even have a name for yet and waste that money like it ain’t no thang. Let’s check out how!
Opt for a Lump Sum
No one ever got rich on a payment plan. If Powerball says you won $100 million but you have to take it over 40 years, what’s the point? You’re probably going to be dead in 5 years with that kind of money. Nuts to the $100 million, which will likely be about $60 million after taxes or so, and opt for their lump payment of what will probably be $60 million, or $40 million after taxes.
Do you see what just happened? You just blew through $60 million in a single day, that’s not bad at all.
A lump sum of money gives you freedom that a structured payment can’t. If you get that money in set increments, how likely is it you’ll ever buy a blimp? Not friggin’ likely. But with $40 million burning a hole in your wallet you’re going to be hard pressed to even make up a list of reasons not to buy a blimp. And if loved ones start suggesting reasons to not buy a blimp, you keep drinking Cristal until you can’t hear them anymore.
Think Asinine, then Multiply That by Itself
Responsible lottery winners invest. You might want to buy a shark and keep it in a custom built pool in your yard. Here are some things actual lottery winners have purchased in the past;
- Own Whiskey label
- a single (as in a music single, recorded and released by an idiot)
- a flock of sheep
- fake boobs (so many fake boobs)
- a pantload of drugs and alcohol
- epic strip club visits
- really shitty gambling trips
- pie (probably)
You’re going to want to show up all of these people because barely anything there was insane. One option would be to get all of those things at once, which would be something. But a better option is to trounce those idiotic and mundane purchases until those responsible feel like the silly tits they clearly are. Some suggestions!
- Pay a team of chefs to invent a new way to process pork that can then be named after you and sold next to bacon in supermarkets
- Commission your own tinier version of Mount Rushmore on a boulder, featuring just your face, and maybe Jason Statham.
- Fill an Olympic sized pool with Doritos
- Pay people to get your face tattooed on them. On their faces.
- Buy a storefront in a busy metropolitan area, black the windows and pay a man to stand out front screaming for whoever’s inside to return his children.
- Hire a D-List celebrity like Steve Guttenberg or Erik Estrada to hang out with you for a few weeks at places like Wal Mart, Chilis and the bus station. Berate them loudly for their ineptitude and poor bowel control.
- Make a pornographic, musical autobiography
- Hire Mike Tyson and a guy to get punched by Mike Tyson
- Buy and release a giraffe.
- Buy one million lottery tickets
All of these ideas are great and you should probably say so in the comments, maybe retweet this article on Twitter. Actually, you should definitely do that. Now. Please.
Now then, you’ve got a chunk of cash and you’ve also spent a good chunk on something awesome than anyone else has ever dreamed, it seems like you might be done, right? My God, you’re more wrong than the wrongest wronger on the wrongest day of wronging shit.
You need to blow everything. And we don’t mean sexually. Not necessarily. Maybe. But you do need to have one epic moment of avarice-busting insanity, like that idiot who went to the strip club we mentioned above but also had someone steal over $200k out of his car at the same time because he left it laying there in cash. You can do better.