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How to Steal David Hasselhoff’s Life

So, you’ve decided to become Hollywood’s answer to a question that couldn’t be heard over the sound of vomiting and the mass rolling of eyes (which, incidentally, is kind of a wet shucky sound), why? I mean, good for you! You know others may snicker and join in on the shucky eye rolling, but Hasselhoff’s net worth is estimated at over $100 million which he got by actually being David Hasselhoff, so things could be worse.

There are some hurdles in taking over Hasselhoff’s life including figuring out who the hell is paying him at all, and why. But the biggest problem with your quest is likely the existence of the real David Hasselhoff. Indeed, he’ll have to be dealt with. Yes he will. Dealt with.

Bone Up On Your German and Get a Talking Car

As you surely know, David Hasselhoff not only starred in Knight Rider and Baywatch (and as the original Nick Fury before Sam Jackson stole his thunder), he was also a musical sensation. Behold!

God, he’s so drunk. And there’s a good chance those girls had a gun pointed at them just off camera. But did you know that, in Germany, Hasselhoff had a number one song? In fact, here it is;

Couple of things before we move on. The first being that this is the second video featuring Kitt, the talking car from Knight Rider. Why did Hasselhoff rely on Kitt so much? Same reason Gallagher uses those watermelons and Chris Brown has Twitter, it’s the bullshit gimmick they’re known for. David Hasselhoff literally had no identity apart from that car.

Second point – that song was number one in Germany. As in Germans, for a time, loved it more than anything else. Is that a result of a subconscious self loathing complex the Germans have carried with them as a people since the second world war? What am I, a psychologist?

Learn German and get a taking car. You’ll be fine.

Tie One On

Here’s David Hasselhoff’s other most memorable video;

Go get a burger and some Smirnoff.

Exit Shame

Learning German and getting wasted are the easy parts on the road to Hasselhoff. The real challenge comes in sharing a head space with the man, something you obviously shouldn’t want to do. Remember, this is a man who had a reality show on A&E that was cancelled after just 2 episodes. Do you have any idea how bad a reality show has to be to get cancelled after 2 episodes? Especially on A&E, a channel that airs auctions 16 hours a day? It’s staggering.

To become as Hasselhoff you must debase yourself as Hasselhoff. Here are some images that he was a willing participant in.


Add this to those music videos and you know what you have? A man who legitimately thinks he’s cool but is potentially more clueless than a Kardashian at a spelling bee.

Remove David Hasselhoff

Once you have the talent of Hasselhoff and the standards of Hasselhoff, there’s only one thing left to do and that’s remove the actual Hasselhoff. How do you get rid of the man who has nothing and makes it his everything? Choose your destiny! Which is to say, find a clever way to off the man.

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