We’ve all had a string of days in our lives in which we fall madly, deeply in love with a particular shirt. We’ll take it off when we go to bed, but we won’t put it away. We’ll just toss it somewhere nearby with the intention of putting it on again in the morning. We’ve all had that one shirt that’s so comfortable and convenient that we will convince ourselves that washing it would ruin the good thing we’ve got going on here; that washing it will suck out its magic.
We always take this love for the shirt too far. To the point where we become a walking biohazard.
Here’s a list of signs telling you it’s time to wash the shirt.
1) If you find yourself wondering if your shirt’s funky smell was caused by all the meals you’ve recently cooked while wearing it, or if you are excreting the meals you’ve recently eaten through your pores.
2) If the stains on the shirt don’t match the color scheme of the foods you have in your kitchen
3) If the pet hair collected on the shirt is so thick the shirt no longer matches anything in your wardrobe.
4) If you have worn the shirt for so long that you start to think about creating a cartoon in which you are the main character and your character wears that exact shirt for 150 episodes, like Doug and his green vest.
5) If you look at your drawer or closet of other shirts and feel empathetic towards their subliminal cries to be worn.
6) If you can’t remember the last time the shirt wasn’t a roaming permanent fixture in your home; as if it were a throw blanket on a couch or a mobile version of your table cloth.
7) If looking at yourself in the mirror while wearing the shirt confuses you and makes you think you’ve traveled 3 days in to the past.
8) If random people on the street think you’re homeless.
9) If you can only vaguely remember what your torso looks like.
10) If your pet sniffs the shirt and attempts to defecate on it.