How To Tell If Your Mom Is Sleeping With Santa Claus

We’re not here to prove or disprove the existence of Santa Claus, but we will tell you that as a collective group, the Holy Taco staff does believe that there is a good possibility that Santa Claus does exist. We only say that because after some discussion, we came to the conclusion that Santa has had relations with each of our mothers on at least two occasions. We’re not sure how much of it was purely imagined, or how much of it was some sort of memory that became mutated over the years, but we’re pretty sure it happened. Coming to that realization was an incredibly difficult one, especially at this point in life. However, it allowed us all to accept what had happened and move forward. We would like for any of you who may have suffered, or are about to suffer the same tragedy, to be able to do the same. That’s why we’re providing this list of ways to tell if your mom is getting her chimney stuffed by the great white bearded one…

She leaves two cigarettes out with the milk and cookies…

You didn’t find it strange that Santa smoked to begin with. Then, on top of that, he wanted two cigarettes? The snacks and the smokes for for a little post-coital wind down by the fire.

She puts perfume and makeup on before bed on Christmas Eve…

There’s no reason to come home from church, then put your perfume and makeup on. Your mom wasn’t doing it to impress your dad, he was too busy wrapping presents in the attic to notice anyway.

Santa gives you all the wrong presents…

If the man is too focused on sleeping with all the single moms all over the world in one night, then he’s going to start slipping when it comes to getting the gifts right. If your a boy and you’ve ended up with a barbie dream car on more than one occasion, your mom is “distracting” Santa.

You have a little brother, and he looks like Santa Claus…

Santa can make dreams and wishes come true, but he can’t stop nature from taking its course. If you have a chubby little brother who’s growing a white beard, well before he should, your mom may have accepted the ultimate gift from Mr. Claus.

You get everything you want for Christmas…

This is an obvious one. If you’re not rich, yet every year your living room is full of the latest video game systems and several ponies, you’re mom is definitely banging Santa. We didn’t want to be the ones to break this to you, but it’s better you know now so that you can move on with your life and realize she was mostly doing it so the kids could have a decent Christmas.