How To: Tell Your Neighbor to Stop Having Loud Sex

You don’t want to be a buzz kill, but it’s 4 in the morning and it sounds like you’re inside Jenna Jameson’s vagina.  You and the neighbor need to chat.  Here’s some tips on how to let them know:

1.Give a Compliment: He or she may be more inclined to respect your request if you give a compliment along with it.  “I really like that new car you just bought.  Can you stop having loud sex in the middle of the night?”

2.Write a Note: You may find that you fear confronting your neighbor.  Scientists classify persons with such a fear as “gigantic pussies.”  A hand written note can make it much less awkward.  Simply slide under their door and run away as silently as possible.

3.Bang on the Wall: Knocking on the wall during your neighbor’s intercourse says “I am so bothered by your loud coitus that I cease to care that future interactions with you will be awkward.

4.Taste of Their Own Medicine:  You’ve tried everything else but he/she won’t stop.  Do a little research and exact revenge.  Maybe they’re a student and have a big test the next morning or a surgeon who has to administer a heart transplant.  Wait till the wee hour, hire a local prostitute and a drifter, put a tarp down on your bed, and let the fireworks begin!  We’ll see how easy that open heart surgery is tomorrow!