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How to Tie a Tie


  1. Find a tie
  2. Hmm.  No.  Something that goes with your shirt.
  3. Better.  Hold the wide end to the right, about a foot lower than the narrow end.
  4. Cross the wide end over the narrow end.  Watch out for pedestrians.
  5. Did a pedestrian die?  Flee
  6. Find a safe location.
  7. Bring the wide end up through the loop under your tie.
  8. Stay calm, you have not committed any voodoo yet. Things are OK.
  9. Bring the wide end back down.  This is not a good time to question your manhood, sexuality or path in life.  Why?  Because you’re busy.
  10. This step is the money, so you may need a drink to gird yourself.  Something stiff.  Do you have Glenfiddich?
  11. Acquire Glennfiddich.
  12. Bag the booze.
  13. Oh shit, does that guy behind you have a gun?  Duck!
  14. Cover your head during the ensuing robbery.
  15. The clerk pulled his own gun, shit just got real.  Scuttle over an aisle.
  16. Protect your face from the flying glass and alcohol.
  17. Keep scuttling, you’re covered in flammable spirits.
  18. Don’t look at that body, the robber got what was coming to him.
  19. The clerk seems to be having some kind of flashback, best to stay out of sight.
  20. Too late, he saw you.  Run for the back.
  21. Leave through loading bay.  Duck those errant bullets.
  22. Question your faith.  Why would God do this to you, you were just trying to tie a damn tie.
  23. Hurdle that hobo as you escape the back alley.
  24. Holy shit, was that hobo your old high school gym teacher?
  25. Don’t turn and look, the clerk is still shooting.
  26. You’ve been shot.  Crumple to the ground.
  27. Curse loudly.
  28. Go on, belt out a good “shit!” You’ve earned it.
  29. Look over at your old coach, see if he can help.
  30. Shit, that’s not your coach.  Just some old rubbie dubbie.  Curse him out as well.
  31. Try to drag yourself behind a dumpster until the cops arrive.
  32. Realize you’re too slow with that bullet in your side.  What did that hit anyway?  A kidney?  This isn’t going to end well.
  33. Slump against a heap of trash.
  34. Curse the clerk as he appears, a crazed look in his eye.
  35. Explain how you weren’t even robbing the store, you’re just an innocent bystander.
  36. Gain in confidence as you see you’re getting through to him.
  37. Appeal to his humanity, ask about how his family would feel if they knew he murdered you in cold blood.
  38. Wait for him to drop his guard then use your last strength to perform a leg sweep and disarm him.
  39. Struggle for the gun in the filth, smash his knuckles into that broken glass.
  40. Plant your knee in his groin and take the gun.
  41. Scream as he claws your bullet wound.
  42. Make him pay.
  43. Look around to see if anyone saw you shoot him in the face.  Be quick, those sirens are close.
  44. Lock eyes with that rubbie dub.
  45. There can be no witnesses.
  46. Wipe the gun clean after shooting the hobo and place it in the clerk’s hand.
  47. Struggle from the alley and into the drug store across the street.
  48. Act cool.
  49. Buy some needles, thread, gauze, alcohol, and tweezers.
  50. Don’t make eye contact with the cashier.  She’s already suspicious.
  51. Stumble out of the store but keep your head down, the cops are already across the street.  You can’t be seen here.
  52. Head for home.
  53. Kick your door in and collapse.  Time for surgery.
  54. Remove that slug with the tweezers then brace yourself for an alcohol bath.  Time to start sewing it shut.
  55. You did good kid, but that thing is still bleeding and you don’t look so good.  Now’s probably a bad time to point out that the liquor store must have had security cameras.
  56. Maybe there’s still time to get it.  Struggle to your feet.
  57. Fall to the floor as your stitches pop.  Things are looking grim.
  58. Pull the wide end of the tie underneath the narrow end and to the right, back through the loop to the right again.
  59. Bring the wide end across the front.
  60. Pull it up through the loop.
  61. Take a breath.  Spit some blood.
  62. Bring the wide end down through the knot.
  63. Tighten the knot up to your collar.
  64. You did it, kid.  You tied that tie. Now sleep.  You’re getting so cold.  Just sleep.

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