So you’ve decided not to die at the hands of creepy, tentacle invaders, good for you! If Hollywood is to be believed, and Hollywood is never wrong, then aliens are climbing over each other to get to earth. One in ten of those aliens wants to hug us and eat delicious candy, while the other nine have yet to decide on the best course of action – hump us or kill us. Sometimes they just pick both. But at the end of the day it seems pretty certain that most aliens don’t want us to be alive, they just want our sweet, sweet gonads and our sweet, sweet Hinterlands. Are you going to let that happen? Fudge no! So let’s see the best way to survive this impending, interstellar apocalypse!
Hump Proofing Your Humpables
Good golly, look at all the aliens that want to be inside you. The Body Snatches will stick tendrils in any orifice they can, that Species chick will do you in a hot tub and then tentacles will literally come out of your boobs and rip your head off, which is just awful, and the Aliens specifically produce tiny bums that have fingers and an aggressive vagina to grab your face and jam a tooth-filled baby down your throat. That’s literally the worst thing ever.
Knowing that aliens either want to cross breed with you or use your innards as a cozy, meaty bed, you’re going to need to adequately prepare yourself to not let that happen. This is no easy task as very few of these aliens ask politely if you would like to be exploded from the inside out.
Plugging any and all orifices you have may be a good start to eliminating this threat before it rears its ugly head and/or penis. Here are some other potentially wise investments;
Yes, it turns out the perverts of the world are well equipped to handle an alien sexing, who knew? A simple ball-gag-butt-plug-chastity-belt-anti-rape-condom oughtta keep most of your holes safe from insidious probing and leave you free to chase them around with a Weed Eater or whatever you feel would best castrate an alien.
Kill Proofing Your Killables
Some aliens look at you and think “bwaahh!!” and that’s alien-talk for “up yours, thing with some hair but then not other hair.” They think that because, as you may have noticed, aliens are either totally covered in hair or pretty much devoid of hair. Why is that? Because they want you dead, that’s why.
Aliens like the Predators are pretty much geared up for Predating, which is science talk for laughing and blowing you up with wrist-band bombs, which are all the rage in other galaxies. The alien in I Come in Peace is a very white man (with hair) who will shoot you with a CD and suck out your brain juices and only Dolph Lundgren can save you, so you know the situation is pretty dire. Hell, only Arnold Schwarzenegger or Danny Glover can save you from a Predator and that shit doesn’t even make sense.
On the other end of the spectrum of deadly aliens you have things like those weird parasites in Slither which want to give you phallic stabbing devices while they take you over and use you as a bit of a cosmic canoe until you’ve devoured the whole world. I think. So that sucks, too. With all these forms of death coming at you, what’s a boy to do?
That there is from the epic Canadian documentary Project Grizzly, featuring Canadian human hero Troy Hurtubise, who developed a suit that can withstand bears, pick up trucks, volcanoes, shot guns, outer space, Professor X, baseball bats, gravity, racism and crotch punches. Put one on and dare any alien to assault you, even if Danny Glover is nowhere to be seen.
Invade Proofing Your Invadables
Bloody aliens are always invading everything. Independence Day, War of the Worlds, Signs, nothing but assholes from space showing up with all their friends and being jerks. Invasion proofing a whole world is not very easy. Or at least I think so as no one has ever done it before that I’m aware of. Lucky for you you don’t need to worry about the world because when’s the last time the world worried about you? Don’t kid yourself, the world would spit in your eye if you got your foot stuck in an escalator, that’s a fact. You’d be skinned alive from the ankles up with a spitty eye you would.
When it comes to invasion proofing your own corner of the world, things are not that difficult. Remember, the aliens in Signs were destroyed by terrible writing and water. The aliens in Independence Day were thwarted by Randy Quaid, and he is literally as crazy as a shithouse rat. Literally. In real life. The aliens in War of the Worlds died from HPV. Ha ha!
To survive your own alien invasion, just get this checklist in order and you’ll be fine.