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How To Walk Somewhere Without Dying

We are a nation that has become lazy. We’re fat and lazy. To combat this, Michelle Obama began a program known as “Get Moving,” which is a simple and effective program that promotes the somewhat absurd idea of actually using your legs to transport yourself to another place, even if you have no business there. It’s just moving for the sake of moving, and probably for your health, too, I guess.

The problem with the program is that it’s getting a lot of people hurt or killed, or so claims Jonathan Adkins, spokesmen for the Governors Highway Safety Administration. In an interview with a Washington conservative radio station, Adkins said that Michelle Obama is “trying to get us to walk to work and exercise a little bit more.  While that’s good, it also increases our exposure to risk.” Adkins cites nothing in particular as evidence of that, but does mention an uptick in pedestrian deaths around the country in the first six months of 2010, which is information useful to roughly no one.

Now, this guy is clearly just talking out of his ass. There’s no possible way the two can be connected. This news comes to us from a conservative talk radio station’s website; so simple logic and our innate human ability to detect crazy people filled to their teeth with horseshit rules out Adkins’ claim. But still, if we were to assume that people were actually getting hurt or killed because of a program to get people to go out and walk a little bit, the blame still wouldn’t be laid at the feat of the First Lady. If this fact were real, then it would be because we, as a society, have become so lazy that we have simply forgotten how to walk and survive in public, you know, the way all of today’s adults did only 10 years ago.

So, if you are one of the people out there that has recently gotten off your ass and tried to get in to better shape, but found yourself being bed-ridden after your legs were in a head on collision with a Cadillac, then this re-introductory guide is for you.


Hey, People That Are New To Walking Out Doors Among Other People And Cars! I would like you guys to meet someone, a friend of mine, named Sidewalk. Say hello, Sidewalk.

Now, Sidewalk loves it when you walk on him. It tickles and makes him laugh. But he hates it when you misuse him, and the way you do that is by not walking on him when you’re supposed to.


Sorry, didn’t mean to freak you out like that. Anyway, yes. Exactly like that. Sidewalk is like a road off to the side of a road that you can walk on.

While that may be technically true, the truth is you can’t just walk on any surface and expect things to turn out well.

Okay, well, uh, like the sun. You can’t walk on the surface of the sun and expect to be just fine.

Thank you, Melty Face.

So, yeah, you can’t walk on the sun. But you also shouldn’t walk on, say, the road, either because there are cars that drive on it…


F*ck me, man! Wow! Seriously, f*cking wow! Just stop, okay?! Please!

It’s fine…I guess. Anyway, if you walk on the road you run the chance of getting hit by a car, or a truck, or a motorcycle. And, depending on the kind of road and the speed of the vehicles, you can either be injured or killed or, in the case of some highways, liquefied by oncoming traffic.



One Response to "How To Walk Somewhere Without Dying"

  1. Glen Beck says:

    It’s much more efficient to roll places instead of walking. Stupid liberals don’t know how to conserve energy!