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How to Write a Comedy How to Article

So you’ve decided to write a hilariously uninformative comedy how to article, good for you.  People enjoy the way it promises a pay off and then never delivers because if you actually told people how to do something then it would be a real article and what’s the point of that?

Writing a comedy how to article isn’t as simple as promising some info and then simply never delivering on it, you need to take people on a journey that always broaches the topic but never quite makes it there.  Come along and we’ll see!  It’ll be swell!  Bring a towel!

Have an Innocuous First Step

This is the part where you ease your reader into the subject matter.  Sometimes, if you want, you can jump into insanity here and make your first step totally awful but it’s usually best to start slow, because that’s what the ladies love.  Here are some potentially good first steps in a how to you may want to try.  Also worth noting is that it’s good to use bullet points in your article.  People like bullet points, they’re like literary M&Ms.

  • Learn to urinate on command
  • Hunt down a Swedish man
  • Set the building on fire
  • Master Kung Fu
  • Become an Iron Chef

Now those are some sexy bullets!  On to the next step.  Also of note, let people know when you’re going on to the next step.

Include Some Mostly Irrelevant Graphics

Hey, look at this!

You don’t even need to explain stuff like this since it obviously makes so much sense.

Include a Point Here That Could Have Easily Been Included in Point Two

The brilliance of this is that point two didn’t really have a point.  Not really.  No more than the whole article does, I guess.  But you’re trying to pad the article out at this point because you’re still not saying much.  Well, that’s not true, you’re making fun of something.  Look at How to Write a Black Eyed Peas song.  Lots of fun being made there.  4 separate graphics are employed just to make fun of how to title a BEP song.  So you probably want a graphic in here that could have just as easily gone under Gary Busey there.  Let’s try this one;

That literally doesn’t mean anything at all.  But it’s kind of funny still, even though it’s hard to figure out why.  That’ll play nicely in your article.

Wrap it Up in a Totally Unhelpful Way

It’s important to leave your readers adrift in this part of your how to.  Because honestly, they were never really going to do the thing anyway, everyone knows that.  If you really wanted to know how to do something, you’d go to a how to site or something and learn it there.  Maybe eHow, that site seems legit.  So let’s stress this point again – this final point needs to not be helpful at all.

Which brings us to the paradox of this (specific) final point – if what we’ve written so far is true, can you believe anything we’ve written?  If it’s true you can, but by definition you should not.  This entire article has just become on par, existentially, with the statement “I am lying.”  You can’t trust a damn thing I just said.  Not even that.  Maybe you can trust what I said.  Maybe you’re not even reading this article at all.  Ever think of that?  Maybe when this gets published live on the internet you’ll become fully aware of the Matrix.  Maybe the internet hasn’t been invented yet and you’re just dreaming and it’s 1934 and you live in Iowa where you run a general store and when you wake up all of this will slip away from you into your subconscious mind and tomorrow you’ll just fill an order of beans and sugar for Mrs. Hendershot.  Maybe that’ll happen.

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