So you’ve decided that rock n roll is officially dead and, rather than mourn or attempt to resurrect the old girl, you want to take some of the sinew from its carcass and floss your ass with it after a long, sweaty work out, good for you! The entertainment industry is a saccharine monster lurching towards Cleveland and it leaves every creative stone unturned along the way (hide under them if you’re fearful). If you want to ride the beast like Muad’Dib riding Shai-Hulud, you want to be at the forefront of awfulness and that means you want to write a Nickelback song (assuming you already wrote a Black Eyed Peas song).
Writing a Nickleback song is a lot like getting punched in the face by a hooker. It’s embarrassing and painful and there’s also a chance you’ll get an infection of some kind, which ensures it’s the kind of thing that will follow you for the rest of your life as a shameful reminder of your foolish mistake. Still, it does take a bit of effort to get to that point and if you want to do it, you may as well do it right, even though it will ironically be wrong in the end. Here goes!
It’s necessary to know the mood of your Nickelback song because Nickelback band members only ever feel about 6 or 7 different ways and not all of those can make it into songs. You want to refine your feelings down to the ones that afford you the easiest rhyme scheme, or the ones that lend themselves best to you looking very sternly into a camera, and go with that. Here’s some hints to keep you on task;
Sexy – If you just dry heaved it’s because you know of Nickelback’s sexified songs like Animals or Something in Your Mouth. These were actual, recorded attempts at making songs about sex. In order for you to write a Nickelback song about sex, you first need to probably not have it for a good, long while and maybe spend some time alone applying hot needles to your genitals any time you get aroused. Once you’ve reached the point where arousal also causes discomfort all on its own, it’s time to write!
Sincere – No one does sincere like Nickelback, except maybe Celine Dion. Is it a coincidence they’re both Canadian? Maybe. Or maybe poutine and bagged milk cause vaginal gigantism and that’s why these jokers are such big pussies. We’re not medical doctors so we can’t say. What we can say is that if you want to push the sincerity, you need to get in that zone. What does that mean? It means watch some of those depressing long distance commercials from the 80’s, showing sad families separated by great distances, and steal all the imagery. Then write about it. Maybe consider watching Beaches or My Girl, too.
Nostalgic – Hey, do you remember stuff? Write that!
Rockin’ – Contractually, Nickelback’s record label has demanded the band try to write songs that don’t sound like jingles for funeral homes, so that means you need to pop open a light beer, grill up a tuna burger and have an awkward party with Facebook friends while you try to make everything contrived thing happening about you fit into something that sounds good accompanied by a G chord.
A full 90% of Nickelback is actually Chad Kroeger’s hair. You could write the theme song to Family Ties and it would sound like poison in your ears without the proper Nickelback hairdo. Use this chart to decide what direction you want to go.
If you have your mood and hairstyle down, the only real integral part of your song that’s missing is the ire of the listening public. Make sure you toss in a degree of inexplicable smugness when you’re putting the song together, and if possible, try to spread rumors that you have multiple platinum singles even though no one admits to liking you. Once that becomes second nature, you’re golden. Congratulations, you just wrote a Nickelback song. We all hope you’re really, really happy with yourself.