Do you know how white trash your city is? To make it easy, we worked up a formula to see where your crappy, redneck-filled town stands in relation to other crappy, redneck-filled towns across the US. Just plug the appropriate numbers into this fomula:
WHITE TRASH SCORING BREAKDOWN:
0-300: Not white trash. We’re sure you have tons of other undesirables in your city, but they’re most likely not white trash.
301-600: A little white trash. There’s probably pockets of your city that have tons of white trash, but most of the city probably doesn’t have much.
601-800: Your city is pretty white trashy. Not only are there pockets of white trash, but there’s a fair amount of white trash in every sector. Most likely you can’t go very far without hearing the cry of an illegitimate child or seeing a car parked on a lawn.
801-999: Your city is in the white trash elites. You look down on other cities that have "parks" and "libraries."
1000+: Jerry Springer White Trash. Your city is crawling with white trash. The majority of shirts are sleeveless or mesh. You most likely know someone who’s had the fact that they fathered a child revealed to them on a talk show. Most times when you sit down to eat, the dish can be described by saying the name of the meat, and adding the word "casserole" to the end of it.
We’ll walk you through the step-by-step process for you. For this example, we’re doing beautiful Phoenix, Arizona.
Find a zip code of your city by simply googling your cities name + zip code. For Phoenix, the zip code used is 85001. Step 2:
Go to marshallsonline.com/locator.asp
. Type in your city’s zip code, in this case 85001. Count all the Marshall’s that are within your city’s limits. Not county, just metropolitan city. Use your judgement as to what is or is not within your city limits. Luckily for us, our own Justin Thomas is from Phoenix. If you’re doing a city you don’t know well, use a 20 mile radius. Count up the number of Marshall’s. Phoenix has 12. Step 3:
Go to olivegarden.com/locator
to find the Olive Gardens in your city. Repeat the same process as step 2. Phoenix has 15. Step 4:
Go to walmart.com
and find the store locater. Repeat the same process as step 3. Phoenix has 20 wal-marts. Step 5:
Go To devry.edu
and repeat the same process as step 4. Phoenix has
three Devry Institutes. Step 6:
Go to google.com, then at the top left, click "maps." Then type in the search "Trailer parks" + Zip code. Then above your search results, there will be a link titled "Mobile Home Parks & Communities," click on that to refine your search so that it’s only pulling up trailer parks. Scroll down to the bottom, and above the "NEXT" to see more pages, you’ll see a number of results. Write that down. Phoenix has 303.
Here’s a couple screengrab to illustrate what you should be looking for in your Trailer Park Google search:
The Number of Results:
Move the decimal point of the population left 6 places and divide by that. (For example a population of 3,500,000 would become 3.5).
Now, enter in all the results into the formula. Here’s what Phoenix looks like:
With its endless sprawl and lack of any real culture, Phoenix scores pretty high in the White Trash Formula. It’s three Devry’s and 15 Olive Gardens (15!) really cements its place among white trash communities in America.
Here are a few other examples around the United States.
Despite what you might think, Denver actually scores quite low on the white trash scale. It recovered from a high number of Wal-Marts with a low number of Olive Gardens.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK:
We put NYC’s numbers in to see if our formula really worked. With no Wal-Marts and no trailer parks, New York lives up to its reputation of city full of East Coast elites.
No city can recover from double digit numbers of Olive Gardens and Wal-Marts. You throw in two Devry Institutes, which count a whopping 50 points each and you have one of the whitiest, trashiest cities in America.
SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA:
San Diego feels like it should score much higher in the white trash formula, but it’s deceptively high 1.3 million population keeps it in the mid-level range.
Detroit, while very poor, is much more of a ghetto town than a white trash town. Which is an entirely different formula that we’re probably not going to do anytime soon.
CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO:
Since we knoew that the midwest was prime real estate for red neck white trash, we asked Screen Junkies
editor, and Missourian, Patrick Schumacker where the epicenter of The Show-Me State’s red necks could be found. He said, "Cape Girardeau. No question." Looks like he was right.
So, figure out where your city scores and post the results in the comment section. Those with the highest numbers will win a HolyTaco T-Shirt.
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