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How to Win Hell’s Kitchen

hells kitchen

Chef Gordon Ramsay is known for cursing like a stevedore and having about 8 shows on the Food Network, just like every other chef on the Food Network because the owners of the Food Network really have nothing to fill 24 hours a day with other than Bobby Flay and Guy Fieri. Anyway, Hell’s Kitchen is a perennial favorite because Gordon Ramsay cusses a lot, they occasionally show cleavage, and the producers go out of their way to select misfit contestants, many of whom suffer varying degrees of social retardation and only a handful of whom seem competent enough to even turn on a stove, let alone cook. It’s how engaging drama is created.

If it’s your desire to score big and win Hell’s Kitchen, thus becoming the Head Chef at Random Restaurant #14, there’s a formula you can follow that will get you right to the final episode. Is it difficult? Depends on your personal level of social retardation and ability to cut carrots. But follow this guide and you never know, you too could become a reality star, which ranks right between winning $5,000 in a state lottery and making some toast that has the face of Jesus in it.

toast jesus

Background: Is this the most important step for getting on Hell’s Kitchen and winning? Yes and no. Yes in that it’s important. No in that I have a lot more to write after this, and don’t want to make it seem like it’s retarded and not worth reading.

You can’t get on Hell’s Kitchen if you don’t know how to cook, so go get yourself a job at Denny’s. Work the Grand Slam to the point where you can confidently get on camera, alone, at some point during filming and say “These *bleep* bitches are *bleep* retarded. Any idiot can cook an egg! I cook *bleep* 200 *bleep* eggs a *bleep* day for *bleep* sakes!” Feel that only knowing how to cook eggs may limit your ability to run an entire fine dining establishment? Good call, Johnny Self Hate, maybe you can let us all know how you shouldn’t bother having sex because of all those sores on your penis. Were you born a failure or did you just fail at not being a failure sometime later in life? This is about winning, so get appositive attitude and get it fast.

positive attitutde

Preparation: You may notice that every Denny’s has at least three felons on staff, not to mention every other restaurant in the country, so how do you rise above to become worthy of getting on Hell’s Kitchen? Only 16 people get on the show, and probably several thousand audition. You need to stand out, and that will require some forethought.

Each season of Hell’s Kitchen requires a handful of assholes. Ever considered what a handful of assholes looks like? Probably gross. Like the weird twisty ends of homemade pepperoni sticks flattened out and vaguely fecal.

It’s good to be an asshole on Hell’s Kitchen but not a huge asshole. You can get on the show as a huge asshole, and maybe make it to the top 3, but you won’t win. Remember that. If you want to win, you need to reign in the asshole like a lion tamer using a whip to keep its fiercely maned beast at a distance.

What you want to do is catch the producers’ attention with a mix of assholish confidence and skill and then sprinkle in some sincerity and heart warming stories. So you need people to know that you have had this dream for a long time, you’re a simple person with simple desires, and you love your family. Oh, and your mom has an exotic disease. Remember that last point, it’s key. Ebola is too harsh, in fact all your hemorrhagic diseases play poorly on camera. Go forsome kind of bone disease, or maybe the plague. It’s old school, but it carries dramatic weight.

hunchback

Episode 1: Whether you’re brilliant or a complete dunderhead, none of that matters in episode one because no one is important in episode one. You have to do one thing and one thing only in episode one – be unimportant. Stay in the background, don’t set a fire, don’t call Ramsay your daddy, don’t cry, don’t shit your pants for don’t start fights with the other people in the kitchen. No matter how much the producers try to provoke you, even if one of the other chefs call you a cock juggling closet queen, don’t lose your cool, don’t react, don’t do anything. You need to be a kitchen ninja; unseen and quiet like a mouse’s fart.

Ramsay will require you to cook a signature dish, something that is uniquely yours. Ideally this shouldn’t be shitty, so try not to be Wolfgang Puck or anything. Go with fish or something you’d expect an Englishman to enjoy eating, possibly bangers and mash, but use chervil and white asparagus so it seems like you’re competent.

Episode 2: This is where you start developing a personality on the show, but not too much of one. Are you a natural leader? Cut that shit out, no one wants a leader yet, plus it’s obnoxious in any situation with new people for one jackass to stand out and decide they need to be the group’s dad. That applies in any situation, by the way. Reality TV, subway ride, zombie apocalypse, we don’t want leaders. Offer clever suggestions if you have them, but keep your speeches short, Clooney.

george clooney

You should also not fight with people in this episode. Everyone else will be doing it, and we’ll have established who the two biggest douchers are by now, make sure one of them isn’t you. the douchers will last several episodes, because doucheyness equals drama equals ratings, but douchers never win. They inevitably get axed when their douche routine becomes too tiring.

This is where you should demonstrate that you can make a salad without getting it all lousy with salmonella, and maybe say “yes chef!” a lot. If you get edited nearly completely from the episode, you win.

Episode 3 and Beyond: Inevitably you’re going to be a total f*ck up at some point here, because they only picked you due to your failings in life. You’re a narcissist, you have no left hand, you black out when you shit, it doesn’t mater. In some fashion you do things wonky and they picked you to be on the show because of that. So don’t feel bad when you hand Ramsay a piece of e.coli laden raw beef that you’re sure you cooked fully and he asks you if you regularly drink Drain cleaner or some other such brain damaging potion. That just means you fit in. Try not to have it happen more than twice an episode and you’ll continue to excel because, as you notice, someone else will be crying, cutting themselves or forgetting ingredients in dishes constantly. Once again, your failings pale in comparison to theirs, and so you are again a culinary ninja.

sexy ninja

Finale: If you managed to not be a huge asshole, not burn salad and not punch a Frenchman right in the beak, you may have made it right to the end of the show, so it’s just you and some other shlub. Here’s the problem; this shlub is exactly the same as you. you are not more deserving of this than they are, so you need to plan this carefully.

Your first step towards winning Hell’s Kitchen outright is to pump out sincerity and sap to such a degree that no one without a stack of pancakes can get within 10 feet of your ass. This is where your mom’s disease becomes important, or having a three legged dog, or a child who looks like Steven Tyler. If you can also have your own disability – maybe a broken arm or an iron lung, that goes a long way to showing your own moxie. TV loves moxie.

Basically you have to want it more than the other guy, and the way you want it more is by being more subtly manipulative. You can do that. You’re a reality TV star and that means no degenerate act is beneath you.

6 Responses to "How to Win Hell’s Kitchen"

  1. cumsling says:

    That show has nothing to do with Food Network you fucking idiot.

  2. crackermonkey says:

    “Like the weird twisty ends of homemade pepperoni sticks flattened out and vaguely fecal.”

    LMFAO! Brilliant!

  3. This girl is hot! says:

    I got a 1.5 liter coke bottle stuck up my butt. Call 911. I can’t pull it out!

  4. Ian Fortey says:
    Paramedics are inbound.  Just relax and tyr not to clench.
  5. Bake says:

    He doesn’t have any shows on the food network… what are you talking about?

  6. Ian Fortey says:
    They air past seasons of Hell’s Kitchen, the F Word and Kitchen Nightmares.  Good enough for me.