You’d think that, with all the prestige surrounding the
Winter Olympics, winning a gold medal would be super hard, but from what we’ve seen of the Winter Olympics so far, winning the top prize is actually pretty easy. Here’s what you have to do to win a Gold Medal at the 2010 Winter Olympics:
Step 1: Don’t Be From Slovenia
Slovenia is right next the the Alps. It snows there
all the time. If there’s anywhere in the world that a natural luge track can exist, it’s Slovenia. These guys should be way better at winter sports. All they’ve got is a stable, prosperous economy, one national park, and a comprehensive
wikipedia page, so there’s really nothing for them to do besides bobsledding, speed skating, and triathloning. So far they only have one bronze medal in cross country skiing, which is easily the most boring form of skiing in existence. What have you been doing for the past four years, Slovenia? Avoiding avalanches? Having the 12th best education system in the entire world? Get outside and start ski jumping already.
Step 2: Be An Old Person
Being elderly gives you an obvious disadvantage in every other facet of life, but it gives you a decisive advantage on one Winter Olympic sport: curling. Curling combines the two activities that old people truly excel at: shuffle board, and sweeping. If you’ve ever been on a cruise, then you know that old people run the shuffle board area like your
Irritable Bowel Syndrome runs your late morning schedule. Curling is the only sport that gives you an advantage if you haven’t been able to achieve an erection in over three decades. It’s essentially shuffle board on ice plus sweeping, and who’s better at sweeping than your
grandmother? She’s been sweeping up after your Grandpa’s old balls since before the vacuum was even a twinkle in Danile Hess’s eye. This perfect storm of random geriatric activities all rolled together into one boring-ass Olympic event makes Curling the perfect event for your grandparents to win the gold medal, and if you were an elderly person, you could easily have one too.
Step 3: Learn To Do One Figure Skating Trick
A typical figure skating routine can be broken down into three basic sections: trick jumps, spinning around really fast, and skating around looking kind of like your dancing/wasting time. These sections are scored differently, but for the most part your jumps are what determine your standing as either an exceptional winner, or just a guy who can ice skate and dance. Knowing how much weight this trick jump carries in their overall score, you’d think that figure skaters would really focus on perfecting that, and yet most of them completely f*ck it up completely and then have to stumble the rest of the way through the dancing/wasting time part of their routine, already knowing that they’re done for. Figure skating tricks aren’t easy by any means, but I’d like to think that if figure skating is the only thing I did all day every day, I’d be able to nail a triple lutz at will by the time I made it to the f*cking Olympics. If you can do one figure skating trick jump perfectly, there’s about a 95% chance that you’ll win a gold medal. Just be sure to abandon your dignity and self-respect before slipping into your bedazzled leotard.
Step 4: Have Your Own Video Game
When you think of snowboarding, you think of Shaun White. The two go hand-in-hand. Shaun White didn’t invent snowboarding, but he can certainly be credited for completely changing the game with his crazy, gold medal moves, like The Double McTwist and the Ginger From Hell. Okay, the last one was made up, but he has taken a crippling handicap(being a soulless ginger) and turned it into a rally cry for the United States. Shaun "The Flying Tomato" (not made up) White has done for Gingers what Jackie Robinson did for baseball: he’s destroyed (hair) color barriers and he’s boldly stated to the international community: "I may not have a soul, but it’s only because I sold it to the Devil to shred so much ass on this f*cking badass snowboard!"
Courtney Love & Muppet Sexual Assault
Playboy’s Big Dance March Madness Bracket Challenge
Yeah, besides, Tina’s fucking hot, even though silver ain’t gold.
And one more thing….it doesn’t snow all the time, only for maybe 2-3 months. RTFW!
FU very much from Slovenia.
You must be stupid or what ?!?!
Slovenia is more successful than USA.
We won 1 medal per 1 millions people, USA only one 1 medal per 10 millions people !
So who is more successful ?!?!?!?!
RTFI and learn more about Slovenia …
from SLO
WHAT IS THIS FAGGOTRY!? considering its size (2 mil people), Slovenia is one of the top countries in sports. I’d really love to see countries with so few people and such modest sport funding accomplish anything even remotely close to what we have. please, cut the crap. you’re not funny, only ignorant.
first sluts
Stop playing on the computer and come back to bed luv muffin.
The get aids and die shit breath.
sorry mom, i’m cumming
mike hock more like mike cock olololol
fail
Are you really that retarded?
Bucket, how do you not see what Mike is doing? I am olololol, but it’s at you.
FAIL! If you have to laugh at your own joke, it ain’t funny, idiot!
^hahaha
I’m not falling for this. That’s carrot top trying to get our attention. Not working, fag!
Carrot Top was awesome in Vancouver.
Gingers have souls, ALRIGHT?!
You guys forgot the most important one: Being from a country with a totaltarian government. There’s nothing like having a communist dictator threaten to cut off your legs if you don’t win a gold to give you that extra push towards the finsih line.
In case anyone is interested I’m on Wikipedia monitoring various articles regardless of the fact I hold no academic qualifications but I’ve read enough blogs throughout my life to know all there is to know about Eugenics (notice how I capitalize it) and Communism (notice again how I capitalize it).
Knowledge is power! stay powerful people!
Since you clearly have no idea how we got the ONLY BRONZE medal you would know it is not our fault but the organisers. I myself come from a village of 8000 people and we have 6 sportsman who own a OG medal. so dont judge us by being the last on the scale with medals this year!
And Shaun White if you wrote this article after winning the golden medal in HALF PIPE then I feel sorry for you. You are not even that much of a sportsman to acknowledge other people s effort – can’t wait to see you coming home emptyhanded one day.
Izberi si enga v tistem selo, in ga vprašj kj so tagovi..
Hey curling is awesome. I know this because the internet said so: http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/vancouver/curling/news?slug=dw-curling021810&prov=yhoo&type=lgns
Tina Maze just won the Super G olympic silver medal
AND: She’s from Slovenia !!!
In your face HT !