You’d think that, with all the prestige surrounding the Winter Olympics
, winning a gold medal would be super hard, but from what we’ve seen of the Winter Olympics so far, winning the top prize is actually pretty easy. Here’s what you have to do to win a Gold Medal at the 2010 Winter Olympics:
Step 1: Don’t Be From Slovenia
Slovenia is right next the the Alps. It snows there all the time.
If there’s anywhere in the world that a natural luge track can exist, it’s Slovenia. These guys should be way better at winter sports. All they’ve got is a stable, prosperous economy, one national park, and a comprehensive wikipedia
page, so there’s really nothing for them to do besides bobsledding, speed skating, and triathloning. So far they only have one bronze medal in cross country skiing, which is easily the most boring form of skiing in existence. What have you been doing for the past four years, Slovenia? Avoiding avalanches? Having the 12th best education system in the entire world? Get outside and start ski jumping already.
Step 2: Be An Old Person
Being elderly gives you an obvious disadvantage in every other facet of life, but it gives you a decisive advantage on one Winter Olympic sport: curling. Curling combines the two activities that old people truly excel at: shuffle board, and sweeping. If you’ve ever been on a cruise, then you know that old people run the shuffle board area like your Irritable Bowel Syndrome
runs your late morning schedule. Curling is the only sport that gives you an advantage if you haven’t been able to achieve an erection in over three decades. It’s essentially shuffle board on ice plus sweeping, and who’s better at sweeping than your grandmother
? She’s been sweeping up after your Grandpa’s old balls since before the vacuum was even a twinkle in Danile Hess’s eye. This perfect storm of random geriatric activities all rolled together into one boring-ass Olympic event makes Curling the perfect event for your grandparents to win the gold medal, and if you were an elderly person, you could easily have one too.
Step 3: Learn To Do One Figure Skating Trick
A typical figure skating routine can be broken down into three basic sections: trick jumps, spinning around really fast, and skating around looking kind of like your dancing/wasting time. These sections are scored differently, but for the most part your jumps are what determine your standing as either an exceptional winner, or just a guy who can ice skate and dance. Knowing how much weight this trick jump carries in their overall score, you’d think that figure skaters would really focus on perfecting that, and yet most of them completely f*ck it up completely and then have to stumble the rest of the way through the dancing/wasting time part of their routine, already knowing that they’re done for. Figure skating tricks aren’t easy by any means, but I’d like to think that if figure skating is the only thing I did all day every day, I’d be able to nail a triple lutz at will by the time I made it to the f*cking Olympics. If you can do one figure skating trick jump perfectly, there’s about a 95% chance that you’ll win a gold medal. Just be sure to abandon your dignity and self-respect before slipping into your bedazzled leotard.
Step 4: Have Your Own Video Game
When you think of snowboarding, you think of Shaun White. The two go hand-in-hand. Shaun White didn’t invent snowboarding, but he can certainly be credited for completely changing the game with his crazy, gold medal moves, like The Double McTwist and the Ginger From Hell. Okay, the last one was made up, but he has taken a crippling handicap(being a soulless ginger) and turned it into a rally cry for the United States. Shaun "The Flying Tomato" (not made up) White has done for Gingers what Jackie Robinson did for baseball: he’s destroyed (hair) color barriers and he’s boldly stated to the international community: "I may not have a soul, but it’s only because I sold it to the Devil to shred so much ass on this f*cking badass snowboard!"