So you’ve decided to trade your soul in for something closer to high-fructose pudding and dick cheese, good for you. The vacuous suckhole of the entertainment industry is bottomless so don’t worry about being late to the party, there’s always room for more awfulness. And with that in mind, it’s time to write a Black Eyed Peas song.
Now, to start with, you can’t just churn out a Black Eyed Peas with no planning, despite how it seems like everything they’ve ever done was either made up on the spot or crafted by monkeys in a room full of paint fumes. There’s a lot that goes into one of these songs. And the core of this comes from the band itself. Are you ready to be the band? Let’s see if you meet the criteria;
In order to pull off a passingly convincing Taboo, you need to exploit mysterious ethnicity and a sense of unease in all occasions. People have to look at you and immediately wonder if you’re a musician, or a Mexican contract killer who works for malt liquor. People need to never be sure if it’s cool to leave children in your presence. Most importantly, you need long, lustrous hair. Get a wig, if necessary.
Does you head seem too small for your body in a way that’s strangely menacing? Good start. Can you trim a Mohawk so that it looks like a forest fire made of pubes? Even better. Can you make people at first say “Will.i.am? No wait, don’t tell me”? You’re Apl.de.ap.
The game is tougher now, because few musicians can achieve the levels of sincerity Will.i.am seems to possess while singing backup to shit like “My Humps.” Make sure you practice your poker face and never let anyone realize you’re aware how stupid what you’re saying truly is.
Have bladder control? Lose it. Yeah, she’s never going to live that down.
Now that you have the band members nailed down, you’re ready to start the writing process. It’s a bit like rolling down a hill, sinking in mud or finger banging a groupie who can’t do math in her head. Check it out;
The Title
Picking the title is the most important aspect of a BEP song, because it’s the only part anyone will remember as you’ll probably be repeating it 60 or so times before the song is over. Start by choosing a jazzy verb!
Now you need to direct that verb at a noun of some kind. Remember, BEP is all about electricity and awesomeness, so shitty nouns just won’t cut it.
If you really want to set it off, you should try your hand at some wicked adjectives as well, to make it a package deal of kick assery;
Man, we’re almost there. All you need to do now is pad in between the important words with those useless shit words we all mutter throughout our days. Just because some of these are also nouns and verbs doesn’t make them any more important.
Sweet! Now let’s name us some BEP songs!
• We Want To Jam her Jam
• Electrifying My Fergalicious Poland
• Slippery Love Dump
• Stroke the Jagged Clock
Any one of those, or anything else you can string together here, would absolutely be no less retarded than what the Black Eyed Peas have already recorded, so you’re a winner on that count.
Writing the Song
You may think writing the song is harder than naming the song, but you’re wrong. In fact, naming the song took care of most of the writing. Do you remember any of the lyrics to Let’s Get Retarded that weren’t “let’s get retarded?” Chances are if you do, you don’t much care for the tone of this article.
Watch and see how easy it is to write a song once you have a catchy name like Slippery Love Dump.
Yeah
Yeah
Yeah
Slippery
Yeah
Slippery
Yeah
My slippery love dump
Ain’t no chump
Got to hump
Pump tha bump
Look at that! That’s a whole first verse of a song with the kindergarten-level rhyme scheme and lyrics breakdown that makes for platinum-selling albums. Include the song title as a repeated chorus 4 times and let Fergie have a verse where she rhymes things like “pizza” with “meet ya” and you’ve got a song that’s ready to be featured on So You Think You Can Dance.
Courtney Love & Muppet Sexual Assault
Playboy’s Big Dance March Madness Bracket Challenge
Wow, this guy is a retard, will.I.am is a sick producer and fergie can somewhat sing, the other two are just tagalongs, but keep hating
it’s human nature to hate, i hate you for liking BEP!
Our next release will be
Gargle me chunky
Thx a bunch HT, we kinda ran out of inspiration
RAGE MOAR BITCH!
Hehe… here´s something with REAL talent, ladies & gentlemen, Wile E. Coyote!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO7tEoXa7jc
Holy shitballs, so glad they called that out. I was at Street Scene 2005 when BEP was not only an hour late, but Fergie pissed all over herself. Best part was watching the other dudes forcing themselves to dance with her after that.
Bitchin article HT.
cant say they suck,they got some awesome songs tht r hard to forget….but I aint a fan ether…..just point out tht they aint tht bad…..
and compared to the guy who wrote this article and got paid a hundred dollars, the songs of BEP have earned them millions
Yes, because everything that makes money is clearly good.
Twilight
Halo
Macs
Scientology
Yep… I think you get my point.
Yea, wuz gd, I’m from Poland
they suck. period. Anyone taking the indefensible position that they have ANY musical talent whatsoever obviously has extremely poor taste. This is not an opinion. If you like BEP you are a fucking moron who doesn’t know shit about shit.
So if Fergie wet herself and another band member smacked her for doing that, would that give her a black-eyed pee?
Complain all you want – they’re sleeping on mattresses stuffed with $100 bills.
And your not…. HA HA ! ! !
Ha fucking retard, you just proved me right! And just letting you know, your a tool
Fergie is a GREAT singer and will.i.am is an EPIC producer.
Here is something that is twice as deep as what you just wrote: Fuck you
actually halo does not suck, i’d bet you play cock of duty: modded warfail 2 all day though. but yeah twilight, mac and scientology are not supposed to exist.
Our next release will be
Gargle me chunky
Thx a bunch HT, we kinda ran out of inspiration
Ha fucking retard, you just proved me right! And just letting you know, your a tool
1) Spurt the cream crotchety
2) I’ve never heard a song of them they didn’t steal from someone else (Clearest example: Pump It resembles that song from Pulp Fiction more than just ALOT)
3) Fergie gets awesome on stage when her autocorrect fails. Her REAL singing talents (errrr… or lack thereof) become painfully obvious then. At least they’re not lipsyncing
To the guy saying that BEP ripped most of their songs off of other people, especially ‘that song from Pulp Fiction’ (AKA Misirlou by Dick Dale). It’s called sampling. In fact, if you haven’t yet realised that they make most of their songs simply by sticking their vocals over existing music, you are an idiot. There’s nothing wrong with how they make their music (except, arguably, its quality). In fact, I would say that on occasion they do this with more flare than the vast majority of contemporary pop artists do. It’s still unimaginative compared to pretty much everything outside of the realm of pop music.
Who wants to leave a slippery love dump on my sweaty moobs?
My new favorite HT article!
Piss pants = http://bit.ly/aiOJqj
its the guys from Vampires Suck!
I tried to tell my wife that they suck, no talent, bullshit lyrics.
once fergies gone only cause she got a hott bod, they are history
This was good.
Oh yeah and you gotta say Taco Bell is gross and reminisce about how u used to drive a mustang. How white trash is that.
What The Fuck? I’ve dumped a hot load of man sauce to that Fergie bitch about a million times! I never knew she sang!
Gross, man. You also jerk off to dead animals?
ROTFLMAO!!!
LOL, I dunno dude but I really like Fergie. She is way hot.
Lou
http://www.web-privacy.at.tc
If you think dead animals are hot, then yeah maybe.