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How to Write a Black Eyed Peas Song

black eyed peas

So you’ve decided to trade your soul in for something closer to high-fructose pudding and dick cheese, good for you. The vacuous suckhole of the entertainment industry is bottomless so don’t worry about being late to the party, there’s always room for more awfulness. And with that in mind, it’s time to write a Black Eyed Peas song.

Now, to start with, you can’t just churn out a Black Eyed Peas with no planning, despite how it seems like everything they’ve ever done was either made up on the spot or crafted by monkeys in a room full of paint fumes. There’s a lot that goes into one of these songs. And the core of this comes from the band itself. Are you ready to be the band? Let’s see if you meet the criteria;


taboo  In order to pull off a passingly convincing Taboo, you need to exploit mysterious ethnicity and a sense of unease in all occasions. People have to look at you and immediately wonder if you’re a musician, or a Mexican contract killer who works for malt liquor. People need to never be sure if it’s cool to leave children in your presence. Most importantly, you need long, lustrous hair. Get a wig, if necessary.

apl.de.ap Does you head seem too small for your body in a way that’s strangely menacing? Good start. Can you trim a Mohawk so that it looks like a forest fire made of pubes? Even better. Can you make people at first say “Will.i.am? No wait, don’t tell me”? You’re Apl.de.ap.

will.i.am The game is tougher now, because few musicians can achieve the levels of sincerity Will.i.am seems to possess while singing backup to shit like “My Humps.” Make sure you practice your poker face and never let anyone realize you’re aware how stupid what you’re saying truly is.

Fergie Have bladder control? Lose it. Yeah, she’s never going to live that down.

Now that you have the band members nailed down, you’re ready to start the writing process. It’s a bit like rolling down a hill, sinking in mud or finger banging a groupie who can’t do math in her head. Check it out;

The Title

Picking the title is the most important aspect of a BEP song, because it’s the only part anyone will remember as you’ll probably be repeating it 60 or so times before the song is over. Start by choosing a jazzy verb!

Now you need to direct that verb at a noun of some kind. Remember, BEP is all about electricity and awesomeness, so shitty nouns just won’t cut it.

If you really want to set it off, you should try your hand at some wicked adjectives as well, to make it a package deal of kick assery;

Man, we’re almost there. All you need to do now is pad in between the important words with those useless shit words we all mutter throughout our days. Just because some of these are also nouns and verbs doesn’t make them any more important.

Sweet! Now let’s name us some BEP songs!

• We Want To Jam her Jam
• Electrifying My Fergalicious Poland
• Slippery Love Dump
• Stroke the Jagged Clock

Any one of those, or anything else you can string together here, would absolutely be no less retarded than what the Black Eyed Peas have already recorded, so you’re a winner on that count.

Writing the Song

You may think writing the song is harder than naming the song, but you’re wrong. In fact, naming the song took care of most of the writing. Do you remember any of the lyrics to Let’s Get Retarded that weren’t “let’s get retarded?” Chances are if you do, you don’t much care for the tone of this article.

Watch and see how easy it is to write a song once you have a catchy name like Slippery Love Dump.

My slippery love dump
Ain’t no chump
Got to hump
Pump tha bump

Look at that! That’s a whole first verse of a song with the kindergarten-level rhyme scheme and lyrics breakdown that makes for platinum-selling albums. Include the song title as a repeated chorus 4 times and let Fergie have a verse where she rhymes things like “pizza” with “meet ya” and you’ve got a song that’s ready to be featured on So You Think You Can Dance.

38 Responses to "How to Write a Black Eyed Peas Song"

  1. -_- says:

    And your not…. HA HA ! ! !

  2. Anonymously from BEP says:

    Our next release will be
    Gargle me chunky
    Thx a bunch HT, we kinda ran out of inspiration

  3. billo says:

    Complain all you want – they’re sleeping on mattresses stuffed with $100 bills.

  4. Anonymouse? says:

    1) Spurt the cream crotchety
    2) I’ve never heard a song of them they didn’t steal from someone else (Clearest example: Pump It resembles that song from Pulp Fiction more than just ALOT)
    3) Fergie gets awesome on stage when her autocorrect fails. Her REAL singing talents (errrr… or lack thereof) become painfully obvious then. At least they’re not lipsyncing :D

  5. MOWREZ says:

    Here is something that is twice as deep as what you just wrote: Fuck you

  6. Anonymous crunch says:

    So if Fergie wet herself and another band member smacked her for doing that, would that give her a black-eyed pee?

  7. Don't listen to what "the truth" says:

    Ha fucking retard, you just proved me right! And just letting you know, your a tool

  8. Don't listen to what "the truth" says:

    Fergie is a GREAT singer and will.i.am is an EPIC producer.

  9. Anonymous 1038328 says:

    actually halo does not suck, i’d bet you play cock of duty: modded warfail 2 all day though. but yeah twilight, mac and scientology are not supposed to exist.

  10. haterzgottahate says:


  11. nerd says:

    Holy shitballs, so glad they called that out. I was at Street Scene 2005 when BEP was not only an hour late, but Fergie pissed all over herself. Best part was watching the other dudes forcing themselves to dance with her after that.

    Bitchin article HT.

  12. a dude... says:

    cant say they suck,they got some awesome songs tht r hard to forget….but I aint a fan ether…..just point out tht they aint tht bad…..

  13. Anonymouz says:

    and compared to the guy who wrote this article and got paid a hundred dollars, the songs of BEP have earned them millions

  14. Yep... says:

    Yes, because everything that makes money is clearly good.


    Yep… I think you get my point.

  15. Wile E. says:

    Hehe… here´s something with REAL talent, ladies & gentlemen, Wile E. Coyote!


  16. Poland-a-licious says:

    Yea, wuz gd, I’m from Poland ;)

  17. AAnonymous... says:

    Wow, this guy is a retard, will.I.am is a sick producer and fergie can somewhat sing, the other two are just tagalongs, but keep hating

  18. the truth says:

    they suck. period. Anyone taking the indefensible position that they have ANY musical talent whatsoever obviously has extremely poor taste. This is not an opinion. If you like BEP you are a fucking moron who doesn’t know shit about shit.

  19. Our next release will be
    Gargle me chunky
    Thx a bunch HT, we kinda ran out of inspiration

  20. sohbet says:

    Ha fucking retard, you just proved me right! And just letting you know, your a tool

  21. Anon says:

    To the guy saying that BEP ripped most of their songs off of other people, especially ‘that song from Pulp Fiction’ (AKA Misirlou by Dick Dale). It’s called sampling. In fact, if you haven’t yet realised that they make most of their songs simply by sticking their vocals over existing music, you are an idiot. There’s nothing wrong with how they make their music (except, arguably, its quality). In fact, I would say that on occasion they do this with more flare than the vast majority of contemporary pop artists do. It’s still unimaginative compared to pretty much everything outside of the realm of pop music.

  22. DonkeyPwnte says:

    Who wants to leave a slippery love dump on my sweaty moobs?

  23. Tracie says:

    My new favorite HT article!

  24. surrounded by sociopaths says:

    its the guys from Vampires Suck!

  25. Turdacious says:

    I tried to tell my wife that they suck, no talent, bullshit lyrics.
    once fergies gone only cause she got a hott bod, they are history

  26. Yurtle says:

    This was good.

  27. Butthaid says:

    Oh yeah and you gotta say Taco Bell is gross and reminisce about how u used to drive a mustang. How white trash is that.

  28. Mexican Jesus says:

    What The Fuck? I’ve dumped a hot load of man sauce to that Fergie bitch about a million times! I never knew she sang!

  29. Not anonymous? says:

    Gross, man. You also jerk off to dead animals?

  30. Tonioseven says:


  31. Jo Danny says:

    LOL, I dunno dude but I really like Fergie. She is way hot.


  32. Not anonymous? says:

    If you think dead animals are hot, then yeah maybe.