So you’ve decided to trade your soul in for something closer to high-fructose pudding and dick cheese, good for you. The vacuous suckhole of the entertainment industry is bottomless so don’t worry about being late to the party, there’s always room for more awfulness. And with that in mind, it’s time to write a Black Eyed Peas song.
Now, to start with, you can’t just churn out a Black Eyed Peas with no planning, despite how it seems like everything they’ve ever done was either made up on the spot or crafted by monkeys in a room full of paint fumes. There’s a lot that goes into one of these songs. And the core of this comes from the band itself. Are you ready to be the band? Let’s see if you meet the criteria;
In order to pull off a passingly convincing Taboo, you need to exploit mysterious ethnicity and a sense of unease in all occasions. People have to look at you and immediately wonder if you’re a musician, or a Mexican contract killer who works for malt liquor. People need to never be sure if it’s cool to leave children in your presence. Most importantly, you need long, lustrous hair. Get a wig, if necessary.
Does you head seem too small for your body in a way that’s strangely menacing? Good start. Can you trim a Mohawk so that it looks like a forest fire made of pubes? Even better. Can you make people at first say “Will.i.am? No wait, don’t tell me”? You’re Apl.de.ap.
The game is tougher now, because few musicians can achieve the levels of sincerity Will.i.am seems to possess while singing backup to shit like “My Humps.” Make sure you practice your poker face and never let anyone realize you’re aware how stupid what you’re saying truly is.
Have bladder control? Lose it. Yeah, she’s never going to live that down.
Now that you have the band members nailed down, you’re ready to start the writing process. It’s a bit like rolling down a hill, sinking in mud or finger banging a groupie who can’t do math in her head. Check it out;
Picking the title is the most important aspect of a BEP song, because it’s the only part anyone will remember as you’ll probably be repeating it 60 or so times before the song is over. Start by choosing a jazzy verb!
Now you need to direct that verb at a noun of some kind. Remember, BEP is all about electricity and awesomeness, so shitty nouns just won’t cut it.
If you really want to set it off, you should try your hand at some wicked adjectives as well, to make it a package deal of kick assery;
Man, we’re almost there. All you need to do now is pad in between the important words with those useless shit words we all mutter throughout our days. Just because some of these are also nouns and verbs doesn’t make them any more important.
Sweet! Now let’s name us some BEP songs!
• We Want To Jam her Jam
• Electrifying My Fergalicious Poland
• Slippery Love Dump
• Stroke the Jagged Clock
Any one of those, or anything else you can string together here, would absolutely be no less retarded than what the Black Eyed Peas have already recorded, so you’re a winner on that count.
Writing the Song
You may think writing the song is harder than naming the song, but you’re wrong. In fact, naming the song took care of most of the writing. Do you remember any of the lyrics to Let’s Get Retarded that weren’t “let’s get retarded?” Chances are if you do, you don’t much care for the tone of this article.
Watch and see how easy it is to write a song once you have a catchy name like Slippery Love Dump.
My slippery love dump
Ain’t no chump
Got to hump
Pump tha bump
Look at that! That’s a whole first verse of a song with the kindergarten-level rhyme scheme and lyrics breakdown that makes for platinum-selling albums. Include the song title as a repeated chorus 4 times and let Fergie have a verse where she rhymes things like “pizza” with “meet ya” and you’ve got a song that’s ready to be featured on So You Think You Can Dance.