How to Write a Ke$ha Song

So you’ve decided you want to prove poor genetics, a bad upbringing and a distinct lack of social graces aren’t about to stomp on your trailer park princess dreams, good for you! The world has no end of love, or at least tolerance, for the hillbilly and ghetto fabulous talent pools so you’ll be in good company if you too try your hand at penning (or using crayon, or smearing BBQ sauce on the thigh of a passed out friend) a Ke$ha song.

 Writing a Ke$ha song isn’t as easy as writing a Black Eyed Peas song, oh no. A lot more goes into these in the same way a gasoline explosion isn’t nearly as impressive as one borne from a fertilizer bomb – and what a load of fertilizer you’re going to need here. Even though it seems like Ke$ha slams a couple of simple syllables together and calls it a song name, there’s much more to it. For starters, you need the right muse. You know, your source of inspiration? Every good(?) Ke$ha song has one. Let’s take a gander at some likely suspects;

Larry the Cable Guy: Want to write a song that tries really hard at seeming to never try hard and makes you wish you hadn’t heard it when it’s done? A song that makes listeners wish they could unhear it and possibly have a bath before we even get to a repeat of the chorus? A song that’s a little classless, a little lazy and is pretty much a one trick pony? Larry the Cable Guy is the muse for you!

Four Loko: In the market for a song that has a lot of energy but is also terribly depressing at its core thanks to the fact it has no substance? It’s sugary and flashy and seems really exciting the first time you experience it but if you make it to the end you’ll never want to experience it again? That’s a Four Loko muse.

Bubbles: Sure, some songs seem to have messages and a point, but if you’d like one that seems angry and vaguely schizo, that runs headlong into cuteness before doing an about face and being extremely off putting and weird, then Bubbles is the muse you need.

Crack whores: You want sex to be a part of the song because you have a basic understanding of the fact that sex sells, but at the same time you think Cheese Whiz is an aphrodisiac and you had an STD before you knew what a hug was. Go find a crack whore and get some inspiration.

Solvents: The best kind of song you can hope to write as Ke$ha is one that gets spread all around the internet, not because it’s profound, or awesome, or even catchy, but because the lyrics make people stop and stare for a minute and then say “what?” and then share it with a friend who will repeat the process. Solvents can get you to that point. Smell one today!

Now that you have a muse handy, it’s not enough to rest on your laurels (or, if you’re really trying to pull off the Ke$ha vibe, your herpes), you need to give your muse some nourishment. It can’t do this all on its own, just like you can’t seem to bathe. Lucky for you, a Ke$ha song is pretty thin on substance, so it’s not hard to really narrow down some potential themes and lyrics. Observe!

Pick and choose according to your themes and what words you know, and then it’s a simple matter of rhyming for the win! Unsure of rhymes? We have a guide for that, too, especially if you play fast and loose with what “rhyme” really means!

Humping – bumping, thumping, stumping, sumthin’

Love – glove, above, drug, crave, dog

Sex – text, Mexican, $5

Drunk – skunk, punk, Tuesday

Clock – tick tock, tik tok, next client arriving soon

Party – hearty, farty, parole

Loose – goose, noose, too easy

Off – scoff, boff, the clap

Eat – meet, beat, Doritos and whisky