There’s been some uproar recently about unpublished torture photos that Barack Obama decided to release, and then changed his mind about. We managed to get a hold of the pictures, and we don’t really see what all the fuss is about, except that they illustrate some of the incredibly dangerous torture techniques that the U.S. has started to utilize recently:
"The Happening" Logic Deprivation Torture
If prisoners were especially confrontational during questioning, they were brought to a theater inside the prison, where the M. Night Shyamalan film The Happening was played on a continuous loop. Prisoners became confused and disoriented at the lack of plot and structure and ridiculous nature of the story, as well as the clear phone-it-in performance of Mark Wahlberg, at which point most prisoners would quickly agree to answer any and all questions from government agents.
Prisoners (such as the one in this picture) were bound by their hands and feet and then forced to consume up to 8 fluid ounces of Sunny Delight. Anonymous sources from the C.I.A. have likened the experience to "a thousand flaming hell-demons traveling through your body."
Leno Monologue Saturation Torture
Prisoners were forced to listen to Jay Leno deliver his opening monologue from the Tonight Show without stopping for hours, and sometimes days, on end. In the picture above, the prisoner was not forcefully stripped naked, but instead stripped himself naked, in hopes that Leno would stop. Leno continued on, however, even using the prisoner’s nudity in a joke about Nancy Pelosi.
Live Taping of "The View" Mind Numbification
Prisoners were blindfolded and led into the studio audience of "The View", where it was then revealed that a live taping of the show was about to be underway. This controversial technique resulted in several self-inflicted deaths, most notably during a verbal confrontation between Elizabeth Hasselback and Whoopi Goldberg, concerning the topic of "when’s the right time to get a little slutty, ladies?"
Cruise Monopoly Sensory Assault
When all other interrogation techniques failed, detainees were put in a small 8×8 cell, where actor Tom Cruise awaited them with a Monopoly board game already set up. Throughout the long, arduous game, Cruise would continuously share stories with the prisoner about everything, from life on the set of Days of Thunder, to how Scientology helped to cure his dyslexia. Games would sometimes take weeks to conclude, with Cruise’s anecdotes relentlessly dragging on through day and night.
Summer on the Jersey Shore Asphyxiation
In this controversial torture technique, prisoners were told that they were being released, only to be dropped of at Martell’s Tiki Bar, where their lungs were overcome by a toxic combination of Axe Body Spray and Spray-On Tanning chemicals. Usually, detainees would attempt to flee toward the exit, only to be accosted by a large Italian man known only as "J-Bo" who repeatedly beat them for "being a dumb raghead."
3 Doors Down Aural Abusiveness Torture
Prisoners were forced to sit through a private concert from the band 3 Doors Down, which included several 6-8 minute stories that proceeded each song. During these anecdotes, the prisoners routinely became confused and agitated, until finally they collapsed to the floor and were returned to their cells for questioning.
Forced New Arby’s Burger Ingestion Torture
After being pinned to the ground, detainees were force-fed the new Arby’s burger until they conceded to the obvious lie that the sandwich was, in fact, a hamburger and not just a normal roast beef sandwich with a slice of cheese on it. For tougher detainees, the process was repeated with a selection of Arby’s Market Selection sandwiches, until the prisoner conceded to another lie that, rather than just being a normal sandwich, Arby’s Market Fresh sandwiches were easily worth the $9 price tag.