Having a pain in your testicle is one of the most terrifying experiences in a man’s life. A single soft, wispy graze on a testicle can cause a man to crumple to the ground like his belly button is a black hole and he’s being sucked in to himself. Having a pain in your testicle that was no caused by a direct strike must be even more terrifying, because along with that pain comes the horror of testicular cancer.
One man in Canada felt such a pain in his testicle, and after living two-years with the pain occasionally drifting in and out, this man noticed a growth on the pained testicle. It was time to visit the doctor and hope, pray, sacrifice a goat to the gods, that the news wasn’t as bad as he imagined it would be.
Long story short, the growth was benign and the testicle was soon removed.
Of course, I completely left out the interesting middle part of that story. Let’s see if I can remember what it was.
Okay, so, I told you about the pain in his testicle…I told you about the growth…I told you about the operation…OH! Okay! Now I remember!
When the doctors ran the patient’s testicle through an ultrasound, they saw this…
…a horrified human face pushing out of his nut.
What they found was what it must have looked like if you dug through the ruins of Pompeii only a day after the eruption of Vesuvius.
What they found is something that looks like the scratchy, unclean Quato make-up FX test footage from the special features section of the Total Recall Blu Ray.
What they found was what we all look like when mommy and daddy yell at each other during dinner.
What they found was what every actor looks like when they get a dramatic death scene in which they are being held in someone’s arms while delivering one final line of dialogue. More specifically, the melodramatic moment when they inhale one last, sudden time, and then exhale their life away as their body relaxes in to deadness.
And in response to all this, Dr. Naji Touma, an assistant professor of urology at Queen’s University in Kingston, Ontario, for some reason said this:
“It was almost like art coming out of this patient’s testicles …”
Now, men have been accused of making a lot of things come out of their testicles — namely, wedlock marriages and ungrateful, snot-nosed little bastards that suckle the money from your wallet and the soul from your soul sack – but never once, in the history of humanity, has a man been accused of making arts with his balls. Yeah, yeah, there are plenty of conceptual, avant-garde artists out there that think jizzing on a fruit basket during an instillation show at the local modern art museum somehow speaks volumes on the oppression sub-Saharan Africans, but really, that guy’s just cumming on some apples.
So whoever this (thankfully) testicular cancer-free man is, thank you for making art with your cancer dick. And thank you, Dr. Naji Touma, for being the first man in the history of the world to say the sentence, “It was almost like art coming out of this patient’s testicles …”. Before you, no one had ever used those exact words in that exact arrangement to convey that exact idea before, even though we’ve all thought it when we watch Ron Jeremy use that brush of his like he’s Bob Ross adding happy little snow-topped trees to a bucolic lake-side setting.