Humans are getting fatter and fatter. This would normally be the point in an article where the author would shove in some statistical information to back up this claim. We don’t have that, mostly because the Google search bar is too far away for us to type in to. But if you want some proof, just look out your window and marvel at the beefers out there.
To rid ourselves of this extra weight, we humans have devised a number of contraptions that allow us to shed pounds at home, in full view of our delicious Ring Dings and comfy sofas. Most of these machines are only a set of spikes away from being medieval torture devices, and they all felt like a complete waste of time and money. But these machines ease our minds; they comfort us, allowing us to accept our continued weight gain because, hey, I bought that heavy machine with all the pulleys and levers! I must have lost 20 pounds just bringing that sucker up to my apartment!
In short, these machines sucked, and they made you feel like an idiot when you used them alone, with no one watching but your cats, who lost respect for you soon thereafter.
Here are just some of the devices we humans use to make us look like tools.
BodyShaping Sculpting Steps
If we are over-weight, there’s a good chance that we avoided taking the stairs at every conceivable opportunity, viewing it as far too much work (all that lifting of our bodies) for not much reward (now we’re on a flat land that’s somehow higher than other types of flat land. What a rip off). Yet, you give us something we’d get pissed off at if you told us it was an ottoman, and we’ll happily plunk down $80 for a thing that’s essentially a footstool for people that like their footstools shaped like machines that make spaghetti.
The Ab energizer is the only time in human history when we actually had to weigh the pros and cons of subjecting ourselves to ritual electrocution and bowel-shattering muscle spasms for the betterment of our physical health, and totally rockin’ abs. There’s no confirmation on this, but we hear the Ab Energizer was invented by a Nebraska cow farmer after he cattle prodded his herd to get them to run down the murder tunnels for the slaughter. He intended the device to be used by another person to get the person in need of weight loss running, screaming, pissing, in fear. He never intended people to lie crippled and drooling on a sofa while wrapped in a belt of lightening.
InTouch Workout Ball Set
When we were young, we were told not to jump or bounce atop the cheap-ass rubber balls we purchased from those giant grocery story bins of balls or else they’d pop. In our older years we were told to jump on bigger versions of those balls for our health. We never found that to be in any way stupid.
Our abs were the source of all of our cognitive abilities, so it’s only natural that we humans created hundreds of shitty machines that worked our cores, thus preventing them from melting down. This one here was called the Ab Force. The word “Force” was added in to the name to make us think we were using an inline skate with handles on it to save the world.
Most humans never discussed masturbation. It was shameful. So we cleverly designed machines that totally suggested masturbation while never subjecting us to having to discuss it with another human. When one uses a Shake Weight, everyone else knows one is simply purging the urge to talk about rubbing one out. This process was called “catharsis,” and without it our conversations would be filled with nothing but deceptions of the various “loads” we have recently shot.