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“I Have Two Balls That Need To Be Licked.”

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Conference calls can be a real waste of time. A bunch of people sit around and take turns screaming indecipherable platitudes into the world’s shittiest microphone. To show you how boring they can be, Acceptable.TV filmed one of their random, tedious conference calls. Thank your lucky stars if you don’t have to deal with this sort of tiresome crap at your job. (Unless it’s your job to lick someone’s balls. Then you shouldn’t thank anyone.)

24 Responses to "“I Have Two Balls That Need To Be Licked.”"

  1. Anthony says:

    Hi Guys:

    We did an RCA of this issue, in order to two men complete this project at the same time there are some assumptions and constrains that need to be taken into consideration while working at this level:

    To create a scene we collect some data of all our employees by measuring and doing an average of our heads, tongue, balls, and legs.

    2 man heads are the same size = 6
    2 balls equal diameter = 1
    2 tongues same length = 0.75
    2 tongues same width (should take same time to lick balls and licking area)
    Each ear clearance = 0.75
    Shaved balls
    Worst Case Scenario:
    Cold weather = Small balls (Makes it difficult to lick both at the same time)
    Fat Guys = Big heads (Makes the licked man open his legs at a bigger angle and can have a cramp)

  2. Anthony says:

    2 men touch tongues
    neck safety issue

    Calculate angle of legs:
    leg.angle = arctan[(head.diameter + 2*ear) / (head.diameter/2 + tongue.length)]
    leg.angle = arctan[(6+2*0.75) / 6/2 + 0.75] = 2
    full.leg.angle = [leg.angle * (180/pi)] * 2] = 126.87º

    In order to two balls to be licked at the same time the licked man need to open his legs a minimum of 126.87 degrees.

    Other concerns:
    Does this guy tickle when his balls are licked? If so, we need to add vibrations to the problem.
    Do this will be audited by OSHA and ISO 9000?
    Do the licking men have to play with the balls before start licking? If so, we need to add budget to the SOW to pay the Playing time.
    I agree with the ass discount, ass is just an inch away and it is already exposed, we should take advantage of the situation and take care of it too.

    Just for the record, the SOW only includes the licking balls it does not cover playing with the stick. In case of that, there should be a new revision of the SOW.

    Hope this help
    Any concern, please advice.


  3. Le Phillippe says:

    Nice analysis Anthony. If they outsource the licking, won’t they have a better bang for their buck?

  4. Oswald says:

    Outstanding analysis, Anthony.
    I think we should reconsider one ball at the time. It is a little uncomfortable to open legs at that angle.
    I will FWD this email to our R&D department.

    Keep the good work, Thanks

  5. Carter says:

    Were this guys come from?

    You are so intelligent, I am going to call my friend we have a lot of experience in that type of work.

    Since you guys are so interested, my friend and I will do the job just for free…
    Just to see if Anthony’s calculations are correct.


  6. Le Phillippe says:

    Where are you located Carty? ‘Cause if they outsource teh jobe with us, they can also enjoy a tropical warm weather.

  7. Oswald says:

    Seems that we are having a great teamwork.
    Carter, thanks for your help on this project. We can talk with the client to see if they agreed with including a third party employee to lick balls, that way we can contract you to meet the due date.
    If you can give us your and tongue and head dimensions we can add the info to our “Balls/Ass Licking Calculation Software this way we can have an idea of how to work the solution to this Licking balls project.
    Our R&D department is working with the analysis.

    Anthony: As soon as Carter gives the new data, please start doing the calculation. There is a new PO for your work.
    Carter: Please star licking as much balls/ass as you can to obtain empirical data. Make annotations
    Magoo: Take care of the turtles.

    Great team guys; I’m proud of your commitment.

  8. Anthony says:


    The problem with one Ball at the time is that the licked person won’t feel the same as if he was licked by two at the same time. That is the price that the customer will have to affort due to the pleasure.

    But we still need to reconsider the ass part, any comment on this issue?
    Who has the action Item on the ass?
    I know I guy “Chiquix” that could have some experience.


  9. Carter says:

    Sounds like a plan:

    Anthony: My dimensions are tongue is approx 1.25 inches and my head is about 7 inches from ear to ear. Start calculating.

    Oswald: I will start licking right away. The good thing is that the empirical data is at worst condition since the weather here is cold (Small balls)

    Le Phillipe: I am from Bridgeport CT, USA. And yourself that you are talking abour warm weather? Mexico? By the way I like your name.


  10. Anthony says:

    Another issue came to me:

    What would be the force that will be applied to the heads if the person tickle while the job is being performed. Of course this will depend on the coefficient of elasticity (K) of the person.

    This is a big issue, we don’t want anybody injured at work or any demands.

    We need to calculate the required force to cut somebody head, and create limits for the requirements that each customer need to have to pay for this service.


  11. Anthony says:

    This is good, I add Carter’s data to the “Balls/Ass Licking Calculation Software and the angle of legs is reduced to 124.20º.
    Let me know if you need more info.

  12. Carter says:


    Looking good today….

    I like the bikes that you have on your desk…

    I am watching you!!


  13. Futura says:

    Good evening. At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
    I am from Monaco and too poorly know English, tell me right I wrote the following sentence: “Buy fonts and download free fonts for mac and windows.Chad savage free, original fonts and typefaces, desktop wallpapers, screensavers and more.”

    Thanks 8-). Thea.

  14. Oswald says:

    I have some concerns; both balls have to be licked at the same time but it depends on how wide the licked man can open his legs. The 2 man force will have both faces together at the same time so there is a safety risk on both mans neck. Another question, who will inspect the balls during the liking process and when finished. If one ball at the same time, then one of the balls will dry and then both won’t be covered on saliva at the same moment.
    Is this going to happened one time or will be a recurrence?
    What about the cleaning, is this includes a clean before it starts the licking or will be on dirty/sweated conditions?
    Are the balls shaved or need to be shaved?

    I don’t think they will meet the due date, there are too many unknowns.

    What about the ass, is there a special discount for balls and ass?
    Please respond ASAP.

  15. Carter says:

    Oswald I like how you think!

    I have a friend that can do that woork for you.

    Give me a call



  16. Having my balls licked while playing with that badass Transformers Cybertron Primus figure that dude has on his desk. That’d be the perfect day.

  17. Incredulously Yours says:

    Do they even realize the various connotations of this conversation?? I don’t know that I could keep a straight face through ANY OF THAT!!!

    And when can I have 4 guys come over and lick my balls?????

  18. muse_one says:

    what the fuck is this shit?

  19. Milrock says:

    Pretty hilarious! BTW love the Conejito’s tshirt. I think I’m going to go have lunch there right now.

  20. Mr Magoo says:


  21. Samantha says:

    Now I have say this would have been a much better conversation on my conference calls when I worked at Victoria’s Secret.LOL. As for the actual point of this video: PRICELESS. This is how it trully goes. It will take an hour to discuss one meaningless fact. Well done boys.

  22. they are says:


  23. Magoo is gay says:

    I like turtles

  24. Rock Legend says:

    Rock Legend viewed this.