State Fairs are a modern spectacle of culture (or a lack thereof), make-shift technology, and things that are fried, but sometimes it seems like State Fairs aren’t being completely honest with us. With that in mind, we decided to come up with some honest names for State Fair rides, so that everyone knows exactly what they’re getting into at this year’s State Fair:
(aka, The Ferris Wheel)
I know what you’re thinking: "oh, the Ferris Wheel! The most innocent and harmless ride at the State Fair! You just get in a car and ride around in a circle. It’s so romantic!" Wrong! Finger Bang City! take a close look at the line for the Ferris Wheel. Who do you see waiting to get on? Throngs of teenagers just waiting to finger bang each other. Like acne-covered, horny little deaf kids practicing sign language, they wait in line, anxiously warming up their digits for action. Of course, the excitement of the line to get on the Ferris Wheel is contrasted greatly by the slow, awkward shuffle of the couples getting off, uncomfortably smelling their fingers as one of them makes his way through a sea of hi-fives to the corn dog stand and the other heads promptly to the port-o-potty cluster nearby.
(aka, the Chair Spin)
The concept is pretty simple: you sit in a chair that’s tied to a big spinny thing by some ropes. Then the spinny thing starts spinning, and the chairs fly around. It sounds innocent enough, but, like a bleached asshole, there’s a darker, dirtier side to it: the Chair Spin an upskirt fanatic’s wet dream come to life. In fact, the Chair Spin is one of the only places in the entire fair where you can see grown men standing around at its base and masturbating openly, with no sign of remorse or embarrassment whatsoever. Give them a break: an upskirt opportunity like this only comes around once a year.
(aka, The Petting Zoo)
If animals pray, then they pray everyday that they’ll die before becoming a State Fair Petting Zoo attraction. The term "zoo" is used really (and I mean really) loosely here. It’s hard to tell which animals they intended to have in the petting zoo, and which ones just wandered in from the woods. Sure, you could pet these attention-starved animals if you wanted to, but who wants to touch a boney goat with an infected ear, or a stinky stray cat with no tail? The animals in the state fair petting zoo usually look like a mixture of strays, carnie pets, and animals that the fair caravan hit on the interstate but didn’t quite kill all the way. It’s also the only place on earth where you can feed generic food pellets out of a baseball cap to a mangy dog, a dirty wet rabbit, a few rats, and a toddler, all at the same time.
(aka, The Gravitron)
The Gravitron (aka Starship 2000) is a saucer-shaped ride that holds about 40 people at once, and it’s the only ride that rivals something that NASA uses to train astronauts in. The difference is that The Gravitron can be operated by a drunk dude with a mullet, one tooth, and an Ain’t Skeered t-shirt
on. It’s easy to pick out, because it’s the ride with the longest line, and consequently the longest wait time, because after each ride a meth head goes into The Gravitron with a bucket of soapy water and splashes it onto the vomit-soaked walls, and this tends to take a few minutes. Once you finally get inside, you stand against the wet, soapy, padded wall and the ride begins. It quickly reaches speeds that yield three times the force of gravity, causing the contents of your stomach to float weightlessly up your esophagus, and out of your mouth. Then, the vomit hangs in mid-air, allowing you to see all the deep-fried shit you just ate, before it slowly smears across both of your cheeks. Unable to lift your arms to stop it, the vomit creeps up into your hair, and then as the ride slows down it finally comes to rest on your shirt. It’s best to save this ride ’til last.
The Future Back Problems Machine!
(aka, The Zipper)
The Zipper is a ride that consists of a bunch of little individual roll-cages on an ovular-shaped track. When the ride starts, those little roll-cages are jostled all over the place, dropped, and spun around like a passed out toddler at a NAMBLA rally. Remember that scene in The Fugitive when the prison bus crashes and rolls off the road and down a wooded hill, and then gets obliterated by a f*cking freight train? Well, The Zipper basically does that over and over for 3-5 mintes (depending on the line length). If your spine isn’t shitty after that, don’t worry: that just means you suffered some severe damage, and in 10-20 years you’ll spontaneously lose the ability to walk…forever. I know what you’re thinking: it was totally worth the five tickets to ride it, right?
(aka, the Fair Parking Lot)
The parking lot of the State Fair is a very special place. It brings people together that normally would never hang out with one another. Everyone is united in a common cause: to get as f*cked up as possible, eat terrible food, and ride incredibly dangerous rides. Rich people drink beer with poor people. Racist, ass-backward rednecks share blunts with black dudes. Asians hang out with other Asians that aren’t the same type of Asian that they are but nobody except them can really tell the difference, and Mexicans happily collect all of their empty cans. In a word: it’s Utopia.
The House of Poor Introductions to Rare but Serious Medical Conditions-O-Rama!
(aka, The Freak Show)
Going to a State Fair Freak Show is a lot like getting a blowjob from a Tijuana whore: it seems like a good idea going into it, because you’re drunk, but you come out of it feeling ripped off, mortified, and probably infected with a contagious disease. There’s a reason why the freak show tent keeps it’s lighting and visibility at a minimum (spoiler alert!): The World’s Smallest Horse is just a regular horse standing in a ditch. The Dog With Two Bodies is just one dog with another dog’s carcass tied to its side. The Snake Woman just has a horrific case of psoriasis, and the World’s Smallest Lady…well, she’s actually the world’s smallest lady, but she’s miserable. The only reason she hasn’t called a Human Rights Organization is because her tiny lady hands can’t grasp a telephone. In fact, it’s worth the $5 admission price just to see her before she escapes or kills herself. On second thought, the Freak Show is A-okay!
The Local Redneck Event!
(aka, The Local Redneck Event)
Every region of the country seems to have their own specific "redneck event". In the Southwest, there’s a rodeo that accompanies every State Fair. In the Southeast, they have tractor pulls. I’m sure there are places where the have tree-chopping contests, or speed boat races, or whaling expeditions (I’m looking at you, Alaska). Regardless of what the specific events may be, they all have one thing in common: they are all undeniably redneck, because that’s what State Fairs are all about: being a redneck, eating fried food, risking your life for mindless enjoyment, and throwing up all over strangers. God bless America.