If You’re a Grown Man With Children, You Are No Longer Allowed To Play Ninja By Yourself Outside

Is everyone clear on this? When fatherhood is bestowed upon you, it’s probably a good idea to hang up your L.A.R.P.I.N.G. gear. If not forever, at least when you’re supposed to be babysitting your child. Someone should’ve told that to Ross Hurst of Scottsdale, PA. He left his four year old son sleeping inside while he went outside to play Ninja at one-thirty a.m. He was caught by the police, and subsequently arrested and charged with child endangerment. So, I repeat, If you’re a grown man with children, you are no longer allowed to play ninja by yourself.

“What if I’m playing ninja with other grown men who have children?”

Nope. Can’t do it with other grown men with children. In fact, that’s almost worse than doing it by yourself, because now you’re a gang. If you get caught by the cops, which you inevitably will, you will be adding to the list of criminal charges. And consider this: if five grown men with children are outside playing ninja, that means at least five children are left sleeping alone at home. So again, don’t play ninja if you’re all grown up, and especially if you have children.

“But when I’m playing ninja, I’m not just playing. I’m actually saving the neighborhood from the stranglehold of the evil Yakuza.”

No you’re not.

“I play ninja outside by myself, but I don’t drink or do drugs. So I AM a good father.”

False. You can’t leave your child inside by himself to go outside to play ninja. I really don’t know how much clearer this can be. When you’re outside, and your toddler is inside. That’s bad. It shouldn’t happen for any reason, especially not so you can go outside dressed like Shinobi. If you really want to play ninja, find a babysitter and fly to a convention. Treat your ninja L.A.R.P. habit like you would anything else you should be embarrassed by.

“I tried to find a babysitter, but it was 1:30 in the morning!”

Yes, that shouldn’t surprise you. You should’ve taken that obstacle as a message from the universe. That message, had you received it, would’ve read “Playing ninja outside while your baby is inside at one-thirty a.m. is a bad idea and you should find something else to do. Inside. Preferably.”

“But playing ninja is way cooler now because I’m old enough to buy sweet weapons.”

Listen to yourself. I know it’s tempting. You can finally buy that set of throwing stars from the guy at the dirt mall without getting carded or propositioned, but that doesn’t mean you should do it. You have a child now, and like I mentioned before, if you’re a grown man with children, you can’t play ninja outside anymore. Just to reiterate.

“But it’s so hard being an adult! I just wanna have some fun!”

I know it’s difficult. Adult responsibilities are a real headache. Bills, taxes, insurance, all that stuff piles up and you need a release. But you can’t play ninja. Especially outside by yourself, and especially at one-thirty in the morning. So, to be clear. No more playing ninja. Don’t even go outside wearing all black. You have to really focus hard on this, and maybe find a new hobby, or better yet, don’t get anyone pregnant. But we can’t go back in time anymore, so let’s focus on not playing ninja outside. Ok?

If the hypothetical questions and answers printed above did not send the message, please review the photographs below. Thank you.