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I’m a Grown Man Dressed As Lady Liberty

Look at me dance, y’all. I need you to see me. I do whatever and say whatever I want, because I’ve got this Lady Liberty head covering my real head. Get your taxes done here, stupid. Y’all are stupid. I could say that out loud and nobody would know. Nobody would know, because my voice would be drowned out by the honking cars. Keep laughing, jerks. You wear a costume to work too. It’s just not as iconic.

Ok, maybe I can’t entirely blame the recession. Partly to blame, would be the fact that I can’t pass a piss test. But what am I supposed to do, stop smoking weed? No, thanks. I get back spasms if I sit too long playing video games. The pot helps me focus on the games. I beat them faster, therefore I don’t sit as long, therefore I have less back pain. This makes complete sense to me. Why doesn’t the government get it?!

I can’t believe I almost got fired yesterday. That was some bullsht. It’s my lunch break, I should be able to do what I want on it. So what if I walked into Pubby’s for a few drinks. I only had two. Mr. Allison was all “You can’t drink in uniform.” I took the head off, so fck him. Like anyone’s gonna know where I work, just because I’m wearing this bitch-ass green toga.

I want some Wendy’s. I bet I could get free Wendy’s if I walk in there in costume. I’ll be all “Yo, lemme get a bacon double and some fries.” They’ll be like “That’ll be seven dollars, sir.” Then I’ll be like “Yeah? You can’t cut Lady Liberty a break? You putting a price on freedom?”

Then I’ll launch into a patriotic speech like Mark Wahlberg. I’ll be all Mark Wahlberg in there. Super American. “I took your tired, your poor, your hungry. Now I’m hungry and you won’t feed me?!” That’s what I’ll say, after I’ve jumped up on the potato bar. I’ll probably get a round of applause, then that blonde cashier will be all up on deez nuts.

I bet you I could get laid in this thing. Women love a dude in uniform. It’ll be some weird role-playing thing. I’m gonna go into the office and talk to one of these accountant librarian type chicks. They’re super smart and they wear glasses. I’ll walk in, in full Statue of Liberty regalia, and be like “Hey girl, you got a freedom fetish?” That’s a sick pick-up line. I’m gonna try it.

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