On March 10th, just five days ago, we here at Holy Taco ran one of our regular features, Midnight GIFs. As usual, we presented to you four random, silly GIFs for your entertainment. The second GIF that night featured a bleach blond model seductively handling a snake. Things take a hilarious turn for the worse when the snake then bites the model’s silicone-filled breast. At that moment the GIF ends, and then loops back to the beginning, again and again, from seductive snake holding to breast biting, creating an endless cycle of breast biting.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are saddened to inform you that one of the stars of that GIF has passed on to the great beyond.
Ladies and gentlemen, the snake that bit the model’s breast has died of silicone poisoning at the age of whatever age the snake was.
This news is being reported by various news agencies, but there seems to be some controversy as to how much truth there is to the story. While few doubt the ultimate fate of the snake, agreeing that it probably has died, some argue that there is no way it could have bitten deep enough to break the silicone implant in the model’s breast, let alone ingest enough of the silicone to kill it. Added to this is the unconfirmed rumor that the snake in the GIF was a boa constrictor, which does not have fangs (although it does have teeth) and is not venomous, which we don’t understand how that even factors in.
There are even some reports stating that the snake didn’t even die at all. But, then again, all of the information above was gleamed off of various news articles and the comments on each, so there is also a good chance that all of it, ever single ounce of the story, is pure bullshit. But we’re going to assume every last bit of it is truth, because if it were, then that means a lady got bit in the tit by a snake, and then the snake died because of her tit poison. That’s morbid comedy at its finest.
So, assuming the story is real, we would like to send out our deepest condolences to the snake’s friends and family, particularly the snake’s mother, Mildred, who now only has between 10 and 65 other children with a possible average of 25, at least according to Wikipedia. And seeing as those numbers were pulled from Wiki, it’s probably bullshit, and you only have like 2 kids, one of which is now dead.
Wow. Those numbers that we just made up really put things in perspective. You can’t see it, but we just stood up, placed our heads on our hips, looked downward solemnly, shook our hands, sighed, and then looked up as if trying to think of a reason why such horrible atrocities happen to good snakes.
The snake led a good life. We guess. We have no way of knowing. Really, those are just words to placate you. It was probably a bastard of a snake, for all we know, which isn’t much beyond the fact that it bit a titty and croaked, maybe. But that doesn’t change the fact that it truly did, 100%, beyond a shadow of a doubt, probably bite a titty and croak.
Titty snake, we will always remember you for biting that lady’s tit. We will always cherish the memory of watching the footage of you biting her titty, saying “Oh, Shit!” then forgetting we even watched that happen not 2 minutes later, because that’s how entertainment on the internet works. So while we have already forgotten why and how you died, we will never forget that you actually did die.