I have so longed for a tallywhacker that could bludgeon an enemy combatant to death; particularly one with mace-like spikes that would allow me the cathartic pleasure of battering a man with my spiked penis, and then having to use my foot to rip my brutal penis off the skull of my victim. I have attempted to introduce such a weapon in my Dungeons and Dragons adventuring group, seeing as that will probably end up being the closest I’ll ever come to possessing such a device, but, alas, no one wants to fight alongside a gnome with spiked genitalia. That makes me sad, because according to new research, in our evolution from primate to homosapien, human males lost the DNA sequence that would have bestowed us — but most importantly, me — with penis spikes.
According to a new study published in the scientific journal Nature, researcher Gill Bejerano and his team from Stanford University “found more than 500 mutations known as deletions, or missing stretches of DNA, present in chimps but lost in humans.”
Of the over 500 deleted genes, one of them would have given human males (read: me) penis spikes. Another missing gene allowed for us (all sexes of human) to experience cerebral cortex growth.
So the genetic battle came down to this question: should all humans be smarter, or should only human males have penis spikes that really aren’t good for battle, but are totally rad anyway?
Of course, we are now all painfully aware of the answer to that question: we’re all still a bunch of rabid morons that don’t have penis spikes.
There is hope on the horizon, however. Wired Magazine asked evolutionary biologist Sean B. Carroll of the University of Wisconsin if restoring the penis spike gene could resurrect the penis spike. He answered: “I’m going to leave it to others to paint that picture and its consequences, but my guess is that something would probably happen.”
Do you hear that, men? All we have to do is convince some mad geneticist to perform an ungodly act of DNA-based Frankenstein-ing and we’ve all got our own custom set of penis spikes to bandy about.