Science people out there are always doing all sorts of science stuff to makes us know more about stuff. Clearly, judging by the previous sentence, none of their hard work has made an impression on me. But that’s the wonder of science: sometimes, all it takes is an almost profound level of oversimplification to make an impression on people, especially when it comes to numerical values and how they relate to humans.
For instance, science tells me that the 2-liter of Mountain Dew I had as a meal replacement this morning will eventually be converted from a delicious, possibly irradiated, highly caffeinated green substance that can make me do skateboarding TO THE EXREME, in to even more belly over-hang that acts as a protective layer of armor-fat for my penis.
Soda = fat.
It’s a simple idea that science has been telling us for years. It didn’t really work, though. So science took one more step and started telling us how much fat and sugar and how many calories were in each serving of soda. It worked well enough, as a lot of us that are getting older now look at food labels more and more just to make sure that the thing we’re going to eat is going to kill us. We like to know these kinds of things to help the coroner fill out the “Cause of Death” section of his report.
And now some smarty-pants science people have gone and used their thinkin’ goop to think themselves some new information about fat fuel.
These smarty pantsers did a smart thing by placing coolers full of soda in four corner stores located near middle schools and high schools in Baltimore. Atop each cooler was a sign informing potential soda buyers that one can of soda takes 50 minutes of jogging time to burn off.
Apparently, reading that something has 250 calories makes us feel nothing, probably because numbers are cold and hard to relate to. But if you tell us that if we drink this thing and we’re going to have to actually move and sweat and breathe hard to not look like our fat ate our bones, we act like we’re the terrified teen that looks back on the darkened street, thinking we’ve escaped…AND THEN HOLY SHIT IT’S MICHAEL MYERS HOW IS HE WALKING SO SLOWLY YET KEEPING PACE AND IS THAT A MOUNTIAN DEW HE’S DRINKING?!
In short, our inner-lazy kicks in and tells us to buy a water instead.
While those signs were posted in all four corner stores, soda sales dropped 50 percent.
If this tactic worked so well with soda, why not apply it to other fatty foods and their workout equivalent?
Honey Bun: 50 laps in a swimming pool
4 Slices of Bacon: Sucker punch an Olympic runner and flee for your life
A Sandwich With A Bunch of Mayo: Having a slow, debilitating panic attack over how many calories you’ve just consumed
Thanksgiving Dinner: Live out an entire Rocky training montage